Embracing Courage

I often ask myself, why do I have to blog, publish online, for no one to see? Because I don't share this blog link with anyone.

Then, why don't I just do it the conventional way - writing it down in a lovely book?

Then, I ask myself, why do I need to have answers to everything? Why can't I just feel like doing it?

This month marks the third year since the incident. My feelings have been a roller-coaster, a chaotic cycle. Memories and scenes replay over & over again during innumerable breakdown episodes. Sometimes, full with tears; sometimes, full with angst. Most of the time, just quiet inside thoughts. All of the time, sleepless nights.

I ought to celebrate I have come so far? A world-crumbling earthquake I thought I wouldn't survive three years ago yet here I am. Not in the best form, but then I believe the best is yet to come.

Today, I have finally submitted the divorce documents. In the lawfirm website, it says "Goodbye Old Life. Hello New Life." I suppose it's meant to bring positivity, but somehow I felt cynical. 

The past few days, I have been struggling emotionally, asking myself why I'm still hanging on to a person whose heart clearly does not belong to me anymore, or most likely, never did. Being delusional and going all out analysing every reaction, behaviour and lines. Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of all these unending deduction. Bottom line, I still find myself angry, plus all the ill thoughts of all the possible mishaps which I wish will befall onto those who wrong me. 

I had to break myself out of that thought cycle, and hence, today's actions. It was painful still but necessary. It felt right to do. I kept telling myself, it's a very simple procedure. Just few documents, some information fill-ins, and we are set to go. After the submission was done, I informed him, with tears rolling down.

These 3 years, every choice & action signifies courage for me. Every decision I made & make is painful yet necessary. I often question if I made the right choice, the only worry is if I have made the best choice for Esha's sake, for her wellbeing. I was convinced that I did. And the cause & consequence were out of my hands. I was merely making the best out of what I could at that moment.

Moving forward, I just have to focus on myself & Esha. And that's all that matters. I might not be perfect, but I will do my best.

Christmas 2013

It's the time of my favourite holiday again! This year I have learned to let go of how people are abusing the meaning & spirit of Christmas, when you have non-Christians celebrating with gift-exchanging, Christmas dinner, Christmas matchmaking session or whatever they can think of.

Managed to drag him along to church this year. It's super crowded this year in church that it ran out of seats. We had to sit at the hallway staring at screen throughout the whole session. And if it's not because my MIL reminded me, I totally forgot to wish my family. Honestly, I felt bad. I completely forgot about them. I never failed to wish them every year. But come to think about it, in the meantime they didn't wish me as well. What happened to us?

Have we become hypocrites to each other? Has whatever happened created a gap or distance between us? Is he right? I feel like I don't know them anymore, or should I say, I feel like I have never known them before. Not the way he knows his parents.

The day before, he was complaining about me playing piano. I then commented that he's just like my mum who always complained that my practises are disturbing her peace. Then, he stopped & left me alone to continue. How long do I have to put up with this? That I am stuck in between. Can I no longer go home for Chinese New Year? Can I no longer call that my home? Will he alone be enough to sustain my psychological need for a family?

The open wound has been around for more than a year. This is just something I have to live with until God knows when.

I have been working extra for the company, but I realised recently this may be to no avail. Which I am currently contemplating whether I should give my all to it. As much as I enjoy what I'm doing, I start to feel that there's no point doing it when no one gives a shit or appreciates. I am not asking for anything more than a 'thank you' reply or a pat at the back. I am not the type of person who will like to take credit or shine intentionally to prove my existence or whatever shit. However, the company has been making me feel very insecure that I feel that everytime I go on leave, I will be replaced or made equal with someone who is hardly half my capability & passion towards this field. Of course, this is not based on no ground. I need to rethink my contribution wisely & make moves. Being a HOD is no easy task. A lot of readings to do to seek balance between respect, fear, hate & staff productivity.

And it's Christmas! I have been thinking if I should start letting go & forgiving someone. It is really hard. I am seriously thinking to just tell myself I am not ready & let the hatred burn inside of me for another year. I know I have been saying bad things and giving opportunity for him to piss me off, but I can't help it. I don't like to lie, I can follow all 10 commandments; but I am just not a forgiver. Of course I curse too.

Will knowing that someone is suffering make me forgive? Now where is my Christmas spirit?

Walking Through Everything

It will be 3 months this coming Thursday of me working in SLIM. Probation test is coming up. But let's not talk about that first.

Okay, the routine. Anniversary gone, Valentine's gone, birthday gone. Oh! I've gone through my ROM. I'm legally a married lady. Many kept asking me why I got married so young, why I wore that during my ROM. Please don't ask anymore. As long as I'm happy,  why should you bother? And there are things beyond my control, for example, what I do or wear. Besides, I don't think what I wear is the most important thing in this event. At least that's not how I prioritise my stuffs and I don't give a shit about how others do this particularly similar event. Just be supportive, if not, shut your mouth. If you're not a friend, please. Just fuck off.

I'm hooked to this website where random people write articles about random topics with catchy titles. I particularly loved this one article recently - What happens when you die (I've shared it on a post after this).

The next morning after reading it, I walked past a stall which I do almost every day. That morning, the uncle who was selling the kueh was not there. Left there was a note on the truck by his family that he's met an accident & passed away the day before & they apologised for not being able to serve anymore.

A week later, another uncle came and set up a stall there & life goes on.

I moved out from PJ last week & moved in to Klang. I miss PJ, but of course, I'm learning to like the new place. Over some time, I realised I'm fairly numb of changes, which is not a good sign.

With all the changes going on, what I wish most is to keep my identity. I know it's quite hard, especially when you're starting a new life. When you no longer live alone & can do whatever you want whenever you want. Everything will be on schedule and with plan. No more act on the spot - unless you have the luxury to do so, which, in this case, it is TIME.

That's what everyone worries about - losing your own self polluted by the cruelty of society, the overwhelming other half, the numbness of conscience. Well, maybe not everyone worries about that. Some will just let all these take over them.

I will try my very best to keep what I'm proud of & like about myself.

Happy Easter Day, peeps!

Last Day at The Longest Job

The first job in my life started on 3rd June 2010. Worked for 3 months, then another 2 & a half months. Then this job took me 13 months. The longest so far.

On my last day, 6th January, they held a farewell for me, Juin & Danny. Their last days are later but since they're nearing, so we just celebrated it together.

It's really harder to leave the longer you stay. We have bonded though it's just one year. Not a long period, not a short one too. Could feel that they all didn't want me to leave. Arrr, of course, their new "supervisor" is an expert in selfishness & torturing. It's the ruling of Dark Age now.

When I got home, they started to text & whatsapp me, telling me they are already missing me.

Awww. *heartbreak* I will miss you guys! It was a nice job, I enjoyed it. But too bad, things are falling apart. Some people just think that playing politics is a must in office. But that's not the reason I left. That's the reason I'm GLAD that I left. To Juin & Danny, I would like to say, "Good on you!"

Special thanks to Juin, my senior who taught me everything, protecting my ass everytime, saving me from screwing up, & scolding me all the time. I have to admit, I kind of hated it initially but then, I finally realised, you wouldn't do that if you didn't care. How understanding am I! I will miss you! All the best in Singapore!

Even until today, they're still calling me, complaining to me about their assignments and that they have no one to turn to since I'm not around anymore. I feel bad that there's nothing I could do to change the situation. 

Felt bad when I turned off my alarm on Sunday night, felt bad when I woke up on Monday morning worrying about them. Gosh, I became a nanny, seriously! Hmm, I wonder when I'll forget all your employee IDs, mobile numbers, skill matrix, all the part numbers & your planner schedule.

You guys, stay strong! (screaming inside "Leave while you still have the chance!"). I had fun at the farewell! Miss you always!

The Doomed Year

Arrr, everyone is with this crap that this world is ending 21st December this year. So, they asked us to cherish, endure & enjoy the last Christmas because you might not get to celebrate it anymore.

Should you just quit your job & do whatever you wish until then, and if it doesn't happen, you may resume to work? What kind of leave will you call this?

I spent my new year eve boringly at boyfriend's place watching Iron Man on cable. I wanted to go somewhere for countdown but it'd be jammed everywhere & you have to leave earlier in order to avoid the jam. Then you came home feeling sticky all over your body. The thought of it made me cancel the plan. So, then I went up to watch my favourite TV series & slept after an hour or so while he fell asleep when the fireworks started to ruin the night.

Watched Sherlock Holmes II on the 1st day of New Year. Robert & Jude are still hot. Enjoyed the movie despite the emptiness. It's the same every year. Everyone is posting or asking about new year resolutions while I, on the other hand, have nothing in mind as usual. I haven't stopped wondering, is it because I am just simply careless or I really have nothing to ask for?

Well, after thinking hard, I do have one ultimate goal in mind. Other than that, I think life is working fine for me.

I have everything I want. Those I wish I have, I believe they will come to me. Those I cannot have, I won't push it. It's not like I would die without them.

All the things that matter, are that everyone I care are safe & happy, & I am safe & happy. This will be good enough.

Happy New Year, everyone. Whatever that's going to happen, you know you should always live your day to the fullest. Be a better person this year. You can still curse all you want but be nice to people ya. Love.

挥散

到目前为止，我一生中只有一个遗憾。
做了最坏的打算。我不会得到解脱。
勇气我没有，他应该也没有。
再怎么肯定自己，他都早就是个陌生人。
回忆有时真的可以谋杀。

Long Gone

I'm back, after exactly 2 months. Had to refresh my mind on what font I have been using.
Done nothing exciting lately.
Just movies, TV series, sleep, chats, apps, articles. Lots of them.
Goosh, I don't know where to start.


Last weekend was the worst weekend this year & last year.
It's funny how you never get those "The Worst Day of My Life" shit anymore as you grow up.
Guess it's nice to get them once in a while.
Our food didn't come, he had to call the supervisor because we've asked for our food 3 times but no one got back to us.
Didn't have a satisfying Friday after work dinner.
Gone for Transformers on Saturday night. Showtime got delayed by half an hour (Definitely not something GSC would do).


Some parents these days are totally uncivilised & idiotic.
Bringing months old baby to watch Transformers? And what? Expecting it not to cry at the first 5 minutes? What the heck??!
Letting the sons shout through the whole movie without stopping them?
Not switching off the mobile no matter how many times it has rung?
Anyway, I still managed to enjoy the movie, believe it or not.


Later that night, Elizabeth whataspped me, telling me that Sidney has passed away that evening.
I'm still in disbelief now. & his cause of death is still a myth. Depression, brain tumour, some virus attack.
You know, it's really hard to make colleagues your friends. Whom you actually interact a lot outside work life & constantly catch up with each other, for of course, a period of time.


Sidney, I've missed you. I should have called when I had that thought in mind.
I don't know what happened but I prayed that you're in better place.
He's a special guy. I don't think I'll ever meet someone like him, or even close to him.
He's always so strong opinionated & telling you that you've done absolutely the right thing when you're not sure. 
We used to walk to work together, buy breakfast together.
Miss you calling me shortie, with your Brit accent.


Everytime this thing with friends dying happens, it serves a greater purpose to just keep reminding you that you have to treasure people around you more.
Show affection, show care, show who you really are & those who don't accept you, screw them.
While I'm stuck with my job, it makes me appreciate my Salmatians more.
The main reason why I think my job is crappy is all these crappy people with no life. I'm a people person (don't take it in the sense that I'm trying to say I'm friendly). What I'm trying to say is I don't like when my colleagues keep playing politics & nag like 40 year old housewives. Anyway, I've come to a point where I have, most of the time, accepted that they are just too pathetic that they have nothing better to do than picking on people.
Therefore, it just keeps knocking me in my head that I have to be different. From them.
Once it hits 5:30 pm, they are out of my sight & mind.


Okay, back to friend stuffs.
I've made it a habit especially ever since I've graduated that whenever I'm free & in the mood, I'll browse through my phones to look for a friend to call & catch up with. I want to stay in touch & not lose the friendships we've created. Right, Basil? So that there will be no regrets. 


Of course, you will still not be able to avoid lines like "I wished I was a better friend." You would never be up to your standard because you'll keep asking yourself why I didn't do this when someone is gone.


So, to those people who stop answering my calls, actually there's just this one person, I would like to let you know that, I've been missing you. I would still call you one of these days & I don't know why you suddenly decided to vanish yourself. But I might give up hope one day.
So, if you want to continue doing this, that's fine with me.


Good night, peeps! To no regrets, max, cheers!

My Soul To Take

Watched it with the boyfriend in Cineleisure today.
Thought of watching something violent, gory & disgusting.
Haven't been watching my favourite genre lately.
And then, it's a disappointment.
The killing scenes were super fast. They were rushing the story.
& it's totally pointless.
And after a few attempts of trying to scare me, he got bored & sleepy.
I got restless & bored too, yet hoping to see some classic slaughter scenes & so I stayed focused. It was wasting my effort.
Peeps, big advice, DON'T WATCH IT. It sucks.


Craving for the Almond Daim cake. Should have taken away some.
Any chocolate will do now but I ran out of them.
Why didn't I restock....


I love when Christmas is around the corner.
Bought a Christmas card for the family.
I know it's lame to say this but it really does feel like love is in the air.
Especially when Christmas songs are aired everywhere.
Everyone just seems so much happier.
Claro! It's Christmas!
Though I'm kind of sad because church's Christmas celebration is held 2 days earlier this year & I can't make it. It just doesn't feel right when it's not held on the exact day.
Well, no matter what, Christmas is still my favourite holiday. Not because of Santa & not because of the presents.


Don't watch MY SOUL TO TAKE, everyone. Don't!

Rapunzel

It has been a long time since they last produced a real fairy tale movie. Even the Princess & the Frog didn't do me any effects.
It doesn't take you to be a believer but you could at least use some romance in you.
The boyfriend, of course, is not interested. So, I didn't go with him.
As usual, my eyes were watery at the end of the movie. Was holding back because it would be embarrassing. Teehee~


The chameleon was super cute! I thought it would be a bad ending because he died. But then...okay, I won't be a spoiler for those who haven't watched it yet.
Goodness, I kept telling myself that it couldn't be because this is a fairy tale & this is a Disney production. How could they let the hero die?! And so I was wrong.


Love the orchestra, love the soundtracks, love the storyline, love the graphics, love the humour.


It is a fairy tale & how a fairy tale should be.
One of the movies I won't mind watching again, after so long.
Just a right movie at the right time.

终极意义

哈哈，忽然间又想要打华文了。

差不多两个星期没更新。

Hmm， 最近一堆事接二连三的来。

也好，有好有坏，才会感受到存在的价值。

22 号失业，去了两个面试，录取了，8 号开工。

目前为止，还在满足中。

公司有喝不完的咖啡因，是多么畅快的一件事啊！

最开心的当然是朝九晚五，而且公司政治----无！

近来好像变了个人，竟然开始情绪化。

不是因为月事啦。所以今天就决定一个人出门去。

走出门口，又觉得一个人好像酸溜溜的。

翻查记忆通讯录，就拿起手机，拨了个轮给Jane。

临时约人，也不敢奢望人家有空档，但她好爽快地说可以咧。

就乘着凉风，等巴士去了。

最近老是在等巴士时，跟人聊起天。

碰到超多同乡的！

三天内，碰到4个伊班人。

他们好像统统都来了这里。

替他们开心的是，好像文明了很多哦。

一知道我是同乡，态度都不一样了。

昨天在巴士上让位给个老阿姨，她居然不领情，还不感恩呃！

整个路程，只看了我一眼，然后装没看见。

之后就别过脸，索性忽视我。

*伤*不是什么，我要求的回报只是一个微笑。

好像要你坐，很委屈酱。

说回今天，跟Jane碰面了，出发了。

吃了午饭，又花钱了...*痛*

可是花得值得。

这次的散心有疗效，心不沉了。

又跟久违的友人聚，有意义啦。

然后回家时还碰到木槌呃！

那把熟悉的声音叫着我的名，八婆！

见了你就发现原来很想你们呃！死党！

再加上今天上帝决定要给好天气，助长了雀喜的心情。

连蓝色星期一都不相信了！

你们说要尊重死者，我偏要讲。

部落格是我的，你可以不读。

相信大家都知道最近有个跟我同年的男子为情坠楼。

咳，坏榜样啊。

某个电台主持人说得对，你有勇气去寻死，为什么没有勇气去面对？

难道死真的比较容易吗？

天堂又少了个灵魂了。

你死之前有后悔吗？你证明了什么？

是无止境的爱吗？

人家一生就要抱着愧疚过日子了。

倒霉的话，就患上忧郁症或双重人格。

要不就永远走不出阴影认识别人。

这....是你要的结局吗？

万一她最终承受不了这个打击，和你一样做傻事， 那你是不是觉得如愿以偿？

隔了几天才有时间写完这篇东西。
看了他出殡的报道，果然不出所料，他被很多九十后的当成偶像了。
真可笑！自杀都可以成英雄！你死之前还这么冷静，还能玩倒数！
*拱手* 我服了！
像我们这些八十后的就批评他是无比愚蠢。
好了，助长歪风了，要万劫不复了。

*叹气* 我无言。
忠告：我不知道你们是不是和我意见相同，但是我肯定认为任何东西都来得比生命重要。
如果是情况危机而你捨身救人，上帝和我都赞同。
在普通情况下，若你不是宅心仁厚或救的人不是你的至亲至爱，人，照正常反应都会先自保。
殉情，就让它困在武侠和言情小说吧！
自杀，死不去，要坐牢，杀人是罪，杀自己也是罪，因为你也是人！真是气死我了！
自杀，死得去，在任何宗教角度来说，你，都是罪不可赦，到时真是海枯石烂，你都还在火中烧啊。
大家，寻找人生意义吧！深呼吸，望上天空，抿嘴笑一下，都是希望，好不好？！*翻白眼*
为自己而活，很难吗？！

看了这篇新闻，第一个反应：“咳，又多个人下地狱了。”

A Getaway

A late post.


Went to Cameron with the boyfriend & the family last week.
Spent one night chatting with his mother while he was sleeping beside.
And he heard some parts of our conversation while pretending to sleep.
Were actually talking about him.
Confronted me the next day & is still bothered by it.
Honey, don't feel shy. Get over it, kay? =p
Love the cold weather, love getting to relax.
Love waking up & getting to see him straight away.
Not sleeping beside me, of course.
He was in the other room with his brother.
Me with his sister.
Only hated when I had motion sickness.
My deepest gratitude for your thoughtfulness. *kiss*
Heartfelt when I saw you kept checking out how I was doing.


Hard to get along with the colleagues, but not trying hard.
Don't think it's really necessary, don't feel like wanting to please them on purpose too.
I won't buy you donuts or a Starbucks coffee, so that you will scream in joy & say "Awww, so sweet!!!" I'll be nice when I feel like, when I think you're worth it.


Sorry, peeps, have not been updating even though I promised so.
Hmm, so lazy to think about what to write.


Erm, just a shout out. I have to admit, sometimes I would do on purpose that I won't respond to those people, I think, who only come to me when they need my help.
When I'm so tired and so I won't have the mood, I seldom bother to reply. Either you ask me directly, "Hey, I need a favor from you. Can you......?" 
I would feel MUCH better that way, honestly. 
In other words, don't beat around the bush & try to start things off with so called courtesy & good manners or whatever. I don't buy that.
And secondly, I don't feel proud if you would choose to come to me when you need help. I feel proud when you would come chat with me just because you simply want to do so. That will make it more likely for me to help when you're asking for a favor.


Time for bed again.Till then.

Recalled Event

The boyfriend followed one news where someone found a big dead lizard in the infamous Gardenia bread. Well, regardless of the truthfulness of the news, after my small experiment around 3 years, I stopped my fondness towards Gardenia.
It was one fine day when I woke up to see the Gardenia bread loaf was still fresh almost a week after expiry date when it was supposed to go stale. And no, I didn't keep it in the fridge.


Felt like being poisoned, I decided to buy a loaf of bread from all bakeries that I have higher chances of consumption: High 5, Baker's Cottage, King's, Bread Story and La Boheme. The rest, to be continued lar.
So, of course the ones which go stale sooner are those which are more safe to consume.
Our winner is La Boheme, second taken by Baker's and King's, then Bread Story, followed by High 5 which is slightly better than Gardenia. And of course, those from supermarket are safer too. Like those coffee house white bread, homemade, charcoal bamboo bread, yada yada.


Then my colleague, Ki said her lecturer back in U.S. did experiment on McD burgers. Have been putting it on the shelf for years, and it just got plasticky & hard, like a burger toy which stinks. Yea, maybe most of you already know. Just wondered how she dealt with the cockroaches which would definitely have been attracted to show up on that shelf. I don't like McD anyways.


Oh yea, in case you didn't realise. I've decided to go public again.
Was thinking it's silly to go private because some no life people are too sick & pathetic to seek pleasure from monitoring one's blog & criticising on it.
Hmm, WAKE THE FUCK UP. When are you going to realise it's not worth it?
Okay, I stop here. You're only worth 5 sentences, including this one.


And I'm still having child fetish.
Yam swiss roll with pudding in a bakery near my work is nice.
And for me, cheese is substitute for meat when I can't get the latter.

The So Called Big Day

Yea, the convocation.
A sweaty convocation.
First child in the family.
Kind of a big thing, maybe.
I think my parents are at least half relieved they've finally got rid of paying instalment for a Mercedes, that's what my cousin said.
Then now, they're worried about my health, my career, & ehem, my relationship.
Okay, I don't want to get emotional now, because I just came back to my room after sending them away to the airport.
Yes, my big day! I've finally graduated. I'm a degree holder.
And I've already changed to my second job. Lol~
I hope I'll like it & stick long with it.
These few days have been relaxing & enduring.
Went to Kampar to visit my brother.
Despite the undevelopment, it's a great place, because of the crazily chilling weather.
And according to my brother, it's guaranteed safe.
When we first arrived, I told mum & dad I couldn't breathe.
Goodness, no nothing at all.
My brother said it's difficult to find food on weekends.
And the food there is not nice.


And I feel sorry that I didn't have time to take many photos with EL mates.
My parents were rushing to leave. Moreover, I was not feeling pretty well that day.
Finally, our parents met each other.
Took big group photos.
My dad threatened to post on Facebook. *evil*
Geez, I had so many things to say.
But now, I can't think of any.
Fine, then I'll go back to my series marathon & enjoy the rest of the day off.
Cheerio~


Lastly, Happy Graduation, everyone!!!! 
All the Sampat mates, you'll be sorely missed.

The Eclipse

Yea, I went to watch The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

I never liked Twilight.

But someone insisted, for god knows why.

It was a midnight show. So, missed some part of it as I fell asleep, so did he.

Bah, I don't like Twilight for a very particular strong reason.

And this 3rd one just proves me right again.

Even though I don't object the idea of loving two or even three persons at the same time.

But so intense & passionate.

Hate that she's so confused. & both Edward & Jacob are fine with her being so.

As if they can share a wife.

Still watched all 3 of them so far as they were kind of listed as "Must See".

At least this is still better than the second one. Actually, I can't really tell.

This was a bad experience.

I'm never going to watch any movie in 1U TGV anymore.

The toilet sucks, the service sucks.

The seating sucks.

And the audience.

Those Chinese chics at the back kept commenting on the scenes.

The Indian lady beside who came with the husband & son has a weak heart.

Just a shake on Bella's car & Edward came in caused her to scream & say "Oh my god" a few times. Old drama queen.

And the 3 Chinese in front kept chitchatting & laughing when nothing was funny at all.

For goodness' sake, even though I did not really enjoy it, it was still a fucking love story.

They looked like they paid to come laugh at the movie.

And half way through the movie, someone at the back left was snoring perfectly loud.

And also those brainless parents who brought their children to come watch Twilight midnight show & ended up lecturing them because they would not sit still.

Some started crying.

Some Chinese lady was scolding her kid as if we could not hear her.

Low lives.

Should learn all over again to spell the word "respect".

Basically Bella was telling both Edward & Jacob she loves them.

But she told Edward, "I love you more."

Wow, sounds just right & enough.

Confused, for the confused to love.

Sorry, if you think I know nothing, because I did not read the books.

I don't know the right way to judge & criticise this love story.

Well, I guess the love that one would be willing to die for the one he loves is the noblest no matter how messy & twisted the chain is.

I noticed people commenting on the corny lines. Wonder why, but I did miss all that.

I was not paying close attention to the lines at all, except those which made me laugh.

It was funny when Edward & Jacob competed against each other for Bella.

Just how they fight, not the idea of it.

Agreeing with Fiona, the wolves are really cute & can make good pets. Haha~

The point is I don't feel the love, nor the vampirism.

You have fun being confused. Take all the time you need.

Whoever you think I mean.

Just when you thought

I'm one of the biggest fan of Hong Kong dramas.

Some people call this housewife's hobby.

But I disagree.

I don't care if this is the hittest hobby. Or you would call me someone with no life.

I don't watch korean or taiwanese dramas, not that I stereotype.

Arr, nevermind, no point explaining myself.

To the point.

I've just finished watching the end of one HK drama.

The Mystery of Love.

I'm going to keep this as one of my collection.

Even though they might have cried a little bit too much.

They just feel so real.

That's why I always love OST.

Maybe I'm emotional today.

I always don't let myself to cry watching movies or series.

Especially about love.

I find it very lame & typical.

I don't want to be any other girl.

But I'm still a girl after all.

The ending made my tears gushing like fountain.

Exaggerating.

But I felt really bad.

I will cry for Love.

For the loss or for the gain.

All for the heartfelt.

If it's barely unbearable.

If it's strongly felt.

If you have never been through the pain, you won't feel.

I'm moved. Because I don't know if I'll ever love again.

How will I ever feel like loving someone again?

It feels so good too that it's a good ending.

And you just imagine they're going to have a happily ever after

though you know it's not real.

I almost swore to myself I'd never talk about love in my blog.

I hate people who do that.

But you just don't deny it alright.

Love is the most powerful thing on earth.

How can you ever resist love?

Consider yourself lucky that you get a second chance.

Not many get that.

That's why I don't understand why some can let go of people they love.

Thinking they're going to be there for you forever.

I always love a quote.

Love like you've never been hurt before.

I think I need a long break.

The heartache.

The hatred.

Feels like forever.

So will Love, as I would wish.

Love like you've never been hurt before.

Love like you'll never be hurt anymore.

Scattered Thoughts

I've been waiting for the mood to brew for me to write this post.

Have a strong feeling I'll end up finishing this post only tomorrow.

A bunch of things happened in this two weeks...

Hmm, let's see, first & foremost, the terrifying final exam..

I managed to survive all those hot days, where the room degree is equivalent to body temperature. & all those fake signs of rain, which gave me false hope.

Depressing...especially during exam..everyone has not been attentive to study..

Second, party by the poolside, ooi noo yin moving out *sob*, end of exam, X men: Wolverine (just for Hugh Jackman, not really interested in knowing how X men were formed.), & then all those sleepless nights started, I'm always the one who claps million beats slower. 

Always suffering from post - effects.

& the fact that I remember my dreams, for many years ever since some time back in secondary, I thought I'm one of those who never dreams. Thought maybe it's because I'm care-free.

Until I acquired the fact that everyone dreams every night.

So I know I don't remember my dreams. Which still doesn't change my mind of the indication.

It's relieving to know that my mind doesn't bother about all those upsetting matters.

Ignoring the thought that I might be in denial or some sort.

So these few nights, I started to remember my dreams, which is definitely not a good sign for me, of course...but still ignoring...as long as I don't get insomnia out of it.

My One & Only 21st B'day

With no exception every year, mummy's b'day is one day before mine, of course. If I'm at home, we would be celebrating together..^^

It's 10 mins before my b'day ends. & I will take a long time to finish this post, as usual.

I speed up now.

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Ceek Chean, same day, but one year older! Haha~I know I know, stop emphasising right. 

& thanks a lot for your thoughtful gift, I like it so much.

& I must thank one fella, if not, he'll be angry. Thank you for what you did yesterday, I'm really very happy & touched. 

Next, thanks to everyone who wished me. Since it's my 21st b'day, I would list out everyone's name. (Never got out of lameness). Thank you so much to my dear family, dad who said I'm more matured (ehem, don't know why. But my dad is always right, you know.), mummy for your lovely present, brother who wanted to give me jogoya treat but I don't want because of my allergy to seafood, Carol who kept me waiting for her message. Thank you to Ooi Noo Yin, my dear silly BFF for her "shiny" gift, haha, my wacky housemates, mishel, zaza, tjc, amelia, ynuoh for the gifts & the nice cake! I was forced to model wearing my b'day gift. Laughed till our stomach bursted. Now, classmates: especially sydney who messed my hair & said I'm closer to my grave, pei ling who put effort to write in mandarin on the b'day card, elyse who's happy I'm finally same age as her, jane for the chocolate, eli who wanted to be the last to wish me, adeline who said she owes me a gift 1st & everyone else in the class, too many. Oh yea, & sal, thank you for the present too! Thanks to all of you for remembering my b'day but I don't know how come you guys do.

David, Lai jing wei, wen fei, Penny, Yutou, Peha, Mut cui, a number that I haven't asked who he/she is (seems like the person knows me quite well because he/she spelled my name correctly! But it doesn't ring a bell), ah go, ah meng, tian lai, liling, edison, ah chuin, I don't want to continue anymore. Just thanks a lot, guys.

Phew, I'm officially 21! It's not that scary to be an adult. I don't mind actually, old fashioned but true, age doesn't matter. Me is fery harpy! Just hope this year will be a much better year. Know God is taking care of me. (ceek chean, I feel so deeply because of your gift!)

My b'day wish is the same as last year, & the year before, & the year before. Just a simple thing I wish I can have for the rest of my life. Who said I'm not easily satisfied huh?

Live life, love life, peeps. 

Happy Birthday, Lynda (perasan, they said.) and I give all the thanks to you, Mummy...& daddy, you are important too...love you guys...hehe~ ^^

Birthday is over! But the spirit never ends.