When You Have Too Much to Lose

年过三十，我还是那个长不大的女孩。就是任性地想做，也只做自己喜欢做的事。

如果我无家室甚至单身，那我就可以事无忌惮。
我还是喜欢活在当下，想刺激开心就够。不用想我老了会怎样，觉得自己会活到90岁而做出退休安排。
我真的这么不负责任吗? 最近透不过气，什么都不想理。想逃脱，想休息。不甘于现况，但我又能怎样?
感觉自己很自私，自我中心，但我真的不想就这样一辈子。
我真的没有爱了吗? 只爱自己，谁都不爱。

像我这样的人，真的不应该结婚生子。我承认我根本不喜欢受束缚，爱不羁，为所欲为。

我最想活在维多利亚时代，做个放荡泛滥的诗人，喝酒写名作。或有个爱刺激的爱人，陪他闯荡看世界，轰轰烈烈地活一场。这辈子也够了。

但我有负担了，不能任性，太多东西无法失去。要时间想通。

Of Property, Defects & Work

I have left another property related job from a local PLC. And I tell myself, no more property. Stressful job, not being appreciated. Just think about mall management & you will know. The areas of coverage are so wide yet detailed. It's always fun to learn about buildings, you just have to see everything in a logical way. But because people's brains these days are so defective, they turn out to be the hardest to deal with.

I am always grateful of the people I meet, good or bad. & culture is a scary thing, it can just eat you up & make you think that whatever you do is right.

So if your company breeds a bad work culture, you will have no choice but to adapt. These are the times you have to bow to reality & know that you can't make a difference. It took me some time to get used to it as in my previous job, I was entitled to so many privileges I felt I was powerful. & I knew I could make things better or at least have the chance to try. It's amazing how life changing events change who you are that what you have been pursuing is no longer your priority, such as having a baby. That all of a sudden, I didn't want to be iron lady anymore. I just want to be a mother.

That is not a defect. Just my chip has been changed. Upgraded.

Things That Make You Doubt What You Have Been Taught Your Whole Life

Saw this on Facebook the other day & as being sentimental as I can be, I cried.

Growing up as a Christian, you were being taught that being homosexual & enslaved to sexual activities are morally & religiously wrong. This goes back to the infamous bible story of The Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah which you will know if you were a Christian baby.

The world has not changed after the event. The history will repeat itself & the world will not stop evolving. Now some cities are trying to legalise these acts and many are beginning to accept this new type of relationship. Going against my religion, I have attempted to understand, rationalise & empathise this practice. Some say they are born this way by nature, some say they just can't help it, some say they're trapped in a wrong body, & some choose to transform to a body they feel right & comfortable living in.

As homophobic as some people around me are, I am not. Though I have Christian gay friends, I still choose to respect their freewill & decisions. Maybe I am not strong enough of my religion or do not have enough religious knowledge to believe this is wrong.

But I really wonder. What makes them any different? Because it's against nature that their coitus do not include producing babies. But they love, get hurt & make earnings, just like the rest of us.

If you have been doubting like me, watch this video & see if it changes your mind. I have yet to watch the whole movie. But this clip has made an impact on me deeply.

If they live their lives normally, just like the rest of us, they should be getting the same equal respect from everyone too. They want kids, they adopt orphans, then aren't they doing good deeds too?

Can I tell God things have changed & even if they are gay, they can still love God the same?

My Boss

I don't really remember when I went for interview for my current job. I only remember the first time I met him. His reactions & expressions told me that he was not convinced I could do the job. Well, in the end, it really took them a while to contact me to say that I got the job, hence I even forgot that I went for this interview.

Before this job, I have never really have an actual superior that I need to report to. As being so inexperienced, I know he was very skeptical to trust me to do anything. But he trained me well by giving bit by bit of tasks. I still remember after around half a year, he told me that he actually didn't want to take me in the first place. Then, I asked him if he would regret by doing so. He answered, "yea, a bit lo."

He was so cool & I didn't dare to speak to him much, but I had no choice because I report to him, the then Director of Operations. I asked my colleague & slowly got to know him & his working style. My colleague told me that he's actually not hard to please as long as I do my job. Well, that's actually the matter of fact.

Gradually, I began to gain his trust & he started to give me more responsibilities. Projects to handle, difficult tasks to complete. He is a perfectionist & workaholic. The amount of pressure he gave is not something everyone can take. Receiving midnight essay-like texts & weekend calls from him were routine; so are scolding from him.

But for me, I always see these as motivation for me to perform better. Somehow, I enjoy being scolded & lectured by him. I always felt bad when he shouted at me, because I knew he believed that I could do more & much better than I have. He gave me the momentum to push myself to higher limits & made me confident that I could actually do much better.

No matter how busy he is, he never failed to guide me whenever I needed his help, even though it could be the most petite things I asked. He would give me life advice, he never stinge on knowledge. Even when it's not my field of expertise, if I ask & am willing to learn, he would teach & explain to me from head to toe until I understand the whole thing.

The way he jokes in the most subtle yet hilarious way always make my day. Unexpected actions & lines that come out from him always surprise me & make me burst into laughter. Throughout these 2 years working for him, our relationship I believe has gone beyond just boss & employee. I see him as my mentor & father. The way he always protects & cares for us is indirect yet obvious. I really don't understand who will ever want to harm him & bring him down. I would anytime let him take credit for my works because I would not know how to do them without him teaching me. He could always come up with the most creative & amazing methods to teach us & make us remember what he has taught us.

I appreciate all the things he has done for us, all the efforts he has put for the company. Now he has decided to take a break. Though utmost sad, I have to start accepting the fact.

Come to think about it, he has started preparing us to be independent & get used to him not being around for the past couple of months. Without knowing what was happening, I just thought that he got tired of his job & wished to call in an early retirement. Of course, at his age, he knows that nothing can't be beaten by Time & we will definitely & eventually get used to him not being around anymore.

Now that it's official, I don't know how I can adjust to him not being there for me anymore. Covering my ass all the time, protecting me like a father. For a busy man like him, I never expected that he actually remembered & took the effort to buy thumb drives for us because Emily & I kept telling him that our thumb drives have gone missing. Though he got us all same colour, I will not borrow it to anyone because this is how much I cherish & appreciate the effort he took to get it for me. I felt so sweet when he came to give me the thumb drive & told me not to lose it. I want others to be jealous of me because I had the chance to be taught & guided by the greatest boss I have ever known. I tell all my staffs that you are the best boss ever. When I got to know your birthday this year, I was really excited & told myself we must plan a surprise for you even though I know you don't like it. I have marked your birthday in my calendar with no end date, but looks like we will not be able to celebrate your birthday next year.

I don't know who I can go bug later on whenever I feel bored. His room will be empty starting next month. I can no longer tell him to stop eating so much sweet stuffs. I can no longer receive intercom calls from him anymore. I can no longer look forward to seeing him every morning & greet him morning. I can no longer ask him if he misses me after I have gone for vacation. I can no longer hear him making fun & mocking me about how messy my table is & how annoying & noisy I am. 

I really miss those times that you would bring me anywhere you go for inspection in units, go see owners, site visits, inspection during constructions, walkabouts & experiments we do for preventive causes. Also, all those times that we argue due to different opinions & you will always let me go for trial & error & learn things the hard way. You were never afraid to admit you're wrong if I manage to prove it. From here, you have taught me humility that I will admit my mistakes wholeheartedly as well. He is so humble & listening all the time. He always gives me opportunity to give suggestions & if it's feasible, I can actually do it. He will only stop me when he is confident his way is the only & best solution. & I can tell you, he has never been wrong! & I know & trust him 200%, whatever he decides, there must be a solid good reason behind it & I will have absolutely no doubt about it.

He has never made it easy for us to take leave. It's never successful with first attempt. I know he will approve it eventually but from here, I learned that with the power he has given me, I have bigger responsibilities that taking leave just like that will affect many things. So when 2 days ago, he just signed my leave application without seeing when I am actually going on leave, it made me feel really sad. He used to mark his calendar whenever I was going on leave & everytime when I went on vacation, I would still receive texts or calls from him. But not this time, not my most recent Krabi trip.

Just this week Monday, I bought McD breakfast & the set came with coffee. Knowing that he likes to drink coffee all the time, I purposely kept it on his table with packets of cream & sugar just the way he likes it. I waited for him to come in, but he didn't turn up for the whole day. I started to wonder if he was on leave & feel sad that he no longer let me know that he's not coming in. I took up the phone & wanted to check with HR if he was on leave, but decided to put down after second thought. When I was about to throw the coffee away, he came in about 5 pm & I quickly stormed in his room telling him the coffee I got for him is wasted as it is already cold & I took up the cup. Then he immediately answered me that he will still drink it, so I said okay, put it back on his table & went back to my seat. When he came out from his room leaving to somewhere, he turned & told me again not to throw it away & he would come back to drink it. Though I don't know if he drank it afterwards, for me, that's enough. Nowadays I want to call him but I can no longer find anything to report to him. He no longer wants me to do anything for him. I am not used to it at all.

I keep his number on my phone's main page as direct dial. Now after 30th November 2014, I have to delete it, which I don't think I am prepared to do so. He has been so low energy & heartbroken lately & he has told me why. I just want him to know that I will always love him as my superior & respect him like a father. Whatever I said to him that I will not betray him or have second thought that he will ever harm us. If it's not for him, perhaps I would have left the company, but he doesn't believe it.

I have never taken a proper photo of him nor a photo with him as he doesn't like to take photos. I hope I can get some memorable photos with him before he leaves. It took me so long to persuade him to have farewell lunch with me. I just want to thank him for whatever he has done for us but he said he didn't do anything & doesn't owe me anything. My heart felt pain when he asked me jokingly if I am happy that he is leaving. I know he knows I am not happy & he wants to hear it from me.

The 1 ringgit that you gave me after losing in a bet, I think I have accidentally used it, but I will always remember it. I kept it in my diary for so long. I really want to always keep in touch with you if possible. But you are so secretive that you won't even tell me what your next plan is. & I know you can't save our numbers because of your wife, & you have to put so much effort to memorise all our numbers. I told you to tell your wife that you're old enough to be my father! But I don't know if that will help. How long will you remember my number after leaving? Will you come back to visit us? 

Things will not be the same without you being around, & I will have no idea who I can turn to whenever I need advice. Chatting with you always make me feel better & I know I will never find a boss like you anymore.

Anyway, Mr. Tan, all the best to you & you deserve this break. If you really plan to come back in March, please do! 

Thank you for these 2 years' experience. It has been hell of a ride & I will never forget you.

October Best!

It's been 10 months plus since I last logged in to my blog. Did some minor revamping to my blog, if you notice. Scrolled down to check if any of my blogger friends have recent updates, sadly almost everyone has not been writing anything. I guess all are busy or just lost it after sinking into this big society, including myself.

What I envy at certain degree is how my sis blogs. I don't think I can ever write like her again. So little worries, such purity, such simple life - which I miss.

Well, I think my life is not that bad too! Just that everyday is routine to me, & I anticipate it will get even more routine in about 3 to 4 months' time.

Yes, we have a baby coming our way! I am entering my 29th week in another 2 days. Things have been wonderful so far. I don't know what to expect as of course both of us are inexperienced.

Apologies for not announcing on social medias as this is just not our thing. EDD is early Jan 2015. There!

It's someone's birthday again this month. We have booked a flight to Krabi for celebration way before I got to know I had a bun in the oven, so now just a bit worried that I'll be not be able to fly. Anyway, if I'm not allowed on the plane, so be it; but guess what Mister R, you're staying too!

Vacation, Work, Work, Work, Vacation

We spent a week in Bangkok in July. It was by far my favourite vacation. We literally just did whatever we felt like doing whenever we wished. I don't think I need to elaborate about the city about how inexpensive the food is and how dirt cheap the apparels & others are.

I am still happy with the company. Basically, I just do what I enjoy doing; at the same time, trying to care less about other crap.

Oh yea, I just got promoted! All this while, all my pay raise came from company hopping. So, this is the first time in my life that I have actually earned what I have worked so hard for.

Property management is no easy task. Especially with the current trend of developers building mixed commercial buildings - so you have office suites, retail units, shopping mall & residential suites altogether.

All the sleepless nights and unclaimed naps are paid for, at last. Self-motivation was very important during this period, just like the old days in university.

Someone fell from bike and ended up spending a couple of nights in the hospital end of September. Promised never to ride on bike again, the temptation is now back. Attempting to hypnotise (persuade) me to let him sit on a superbike, it is hard to resist as superbikes are cool. Anyway, it is still a NO.

Planning on more trips next year, Bali, Tokyo and Florida with pit stop at Taipei.

 It's November already and my hair is long again. Last I cut my hair was in a random saloon in Bangkok while he grabbed a pine of beer waiting for me.

Marriage life is getting better & better. He is currently in Siem Reap on his own vacation without me. Short separation does work better than newly wed in making hearts fonder! I thought I would enjoy being single for a few days. But the fact is I couldn't do it at all. Well, this is marriage - love hate relationship!

My mind is very scattered now. Can't compose full story. I shall be back when my eyes are able to open wider.

Lastly, I would like to pray that I will not lose my identity no matter how I age and how the society and company hierarchy will use their best way to distort my identity.

Walking Through Everything

It will be 3 months this coming Thursday of me working in SLIM. Probation test is coming up. But let's not talk about that first.

Okay, the routine. Anniversary gone, Valentine's gone, birthday gone. Oh! I've gone through my ROM. I'm legally a married lady. Many kept asking me why I got married so young, why I wore that during my ROM. Please don't ask anymore. As long as I'm happy,  why should you bother? And there are things beyond my control, for example, what I do or wear. Besides, I don't think what I wear is the most important thing in this event. At least that's not how I prioritise my stuffs and I don't give a shit about how others do this particularly similar event. Just be supportive, if not, shut your mouth. If you're not a friend, please. Just fuck off.

I'm hooked to this website where random people write articles about random topics with catchy titles. I particularly loved this one article recently - What happens when you die (I've shared it on a post after this).

The next morning after reading it, I walked past a stall which I do almost every day. That morning, the uncle who was selling the kueh was not there. Left there was a note on the truck by his family that he's met an accident & passed away the day before & they apologised for not being able to serve anymore.

A week later, another uncle came and set up a stall there & life goes on.

I moved out from PJ last week & moved in to Klang. I miss PJ, but of course, I'm learning to like the new place. Over some time, I realised I'm fairly numb of changes, which is not a good sign.

With all the changes going on, what I wish most is to keep my identity. I know it's quite hard, especially when you're starting a new life. When you no longer live alone & can do whatever you want whenever you want. Everything will be on schedule and with plan. No more act on the spot - unless you have the luxury to do so, which, in this case, it is TIME.

That's what everyone worries about - losing your own self polluted by the cruelty of society, the overwhelming other half, the numbness of conscience. Well, maybe not everyone worries about that. Some will just let all these take over them.

I will try my very best to keep what I'm proud of & like about myself.

Happy Easter Day, peeps!

The Doomed Year

Arrr, everyone is with this crap that this world is ending 21st December this year. So, they asked us to cherish, endure & enjoy the last Christmas because you might not get to celebrate it anymore.

Should you just quit your job & do whatever you wish until then, and if it doesn't happen, you may resume to work? What kind of leave will you call this?

I spent my new year eve boringly at boyfriend's place watching Iron Man on cable. I wanted to go somewhere for countdown but it'd be jammed everywhere & you have to leave earlier in order to avoid the jam. Then you came home feeling sticky all over your body. The thought of it made me cancel the plan. So, then I went up to watch my favourite TV series & slept after an hour or so while he fell asleep when the fireworks started to ruin the night.

Watched Sherlock Holmes II on the 1st day of New Year. Robert & Jude are still hot. Enjoyed the movie despite the emptiness. It's the same every year. Everyone is posting or asking about new year resolutions while I, on the other hand, have nothing in mind as usual. I haven't stopped wondering, is it because I am just simply careless or I really have nothing to ask for?

Well, after thinking hard, I do have one ultimate goal in mind. Other than that, I think life is working fine for me.

I have everything I want. Those I wish I have, I believe they will come to me. Those I cannot have, I won't push it. It's not like I would die without them.

All the things that matter, are that everyone I care are safe & happy, & I am safe & happy. This will be good enough.

Happy New Year, everyone. Whatever that's going to happen, you know you should always live your day to the fullest. Be a better person this year. You can still curse all you want but be nice to people ya. Love.

Petition. Repetition

I'll tell you I will start blogging more frequent & you know you won't believe me as I won't do that.
Well, noticed Wong Lai Mun said she cannot stop typing. So, I took that as a motivation.
And today, a colleague complimented. So, another motivation. *chortle*
I haven't started taking my migraine prescription.
I'm addicted to Charmed & I can't stop watching it.
Tonight I can't stop typing. It's almost 2100 & I'm still sitting here ever since I came back at 1800.
Off I go. To entertainment. Dinner first.


P/S: Any suggestion on the blog posting frequency? I'm thinking of weekly.

Points

Days since last post: 74.
Let me see what I've done in this 2.4 months.
Really can't recall much. Maybe I need to rely on Facebook to trace back my trails of life?
The sky is purple now, gorgeously purple. I presume storm will come later tonight.
Okay, 2.4 months.
Obtained an obsession on a particular dessert.
Shot with a life gun. 25 bullets.
Watched Harry Potter, 7 am Arivu, can't remember the rest.
Lost some old time habits which I'm still having a hard time picking them back up - blogging, articles browsing, reading, bla bla bla.
Did farewell for Mano who went to London to study to be a LAWYER & almost swore he'll never come back if MY politics don't turn better. *eyes rolling* 
At the same time, got closer to Kuga & got to know boyfriend's childhood neighbour who worked in Salmat after I left. Small world! (Though as usual he doesn't remember
Putting in effort to go out with friends more often.
Trying to keep in mind to start Christmas shopping.
Has reassured myself how much I hate office politics & gossips. I just want a peaceful work life. I still have hopes that it's possible, hence I'll keep searching. I know it's not possible to totally cut out, but at least to the least. 
Work pressure doesn't frustrate me, but politics does!
Beginning to like my non-political colleagues.


Maybe my heart & mind will never be set for this type of world. I keep wondering how I will ever get used to all these craps? The reason why I'm so frustrated is there are so many greater concerns in this world, and you fickle-minded people are paying so much attention to these useful shits. Again, you show how worthless & pathetic you are. Not saying you must contribute something to earth or society, but I still believe karma is a bitch when you prove & show to be a despicable person whom no one wishes to respect. Everytime I look at you guys at 1730, I always wonder, by the end of the day, what do you get? By the end of this life, what do you earn?


As for me, at least I've made someone smiled today. I shared joy, I shared knowledge. It's none of my business, but I can't help feeling sorry for you guys.


Ah well, back to updates.


Found a job. Hopefully a rewarding one. Another turning point of my life.
Not sure where it'll lead me. But like everyone says, I still have time to figure out. Young at heart is all you need to be. :)
Well, if my current job proves to be more rewarding & I feel more appreciated from my superior, I would really consider to stay. But I guess, looking at the situation now & I don't think I can make things good again, I see no reason why I shouldn't leave. Boat is sinking & I've heard enough. Even if I didn't, I know this job will take me nowhere as no one is promising you any career prospect anytime soon, because I know what I see & it's not looking good at all. Don't tell me after 15 or 20 years, I can be who, who & who. You know that's not good enough. It's like telling me I'll be stagnant for 15 years. You can tell this to a 40 year-old lady, not to a 20 year-old. Unless I'm someone with no ambitions.


The reason why I can still be tough here is because I don't get influenced by anyone. I mean, influenced to be biased, gang up or turn to be like them.
I hate the persons I hate, I like the persons I like. No one can twist around & tell me otherwise.
I'm still quite bothered by how all of us just stop contacting each other after graduation.
I put effort & it's starting to feel so pointless as no one else is.
I miss so many of you. But I have a feeling you guys just don't give a damn.


Parents are going to be in town next week. Can't wait! Time to go. Till the next post.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

By CHARLES WARNKE

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Share link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

Ketchup!

As usual, like I always do, after long gone.

Still stuck with my sucky job.

I still want to say, I hate corporate.

Some people are ignorant; some are rude, taking you for granted, some do not put header & greetings at the beginning & end of an email.

Some are fun to talk to, but you will not have time to do so.

Every end of the day, I just keep reminding myself that they are pathetic & they hold no space in my personal life.

When I refused to use polystyrene plate & plastic utensils, someone started calling me lame & said that I have nothing better to do. When I tried to defend myself, she just blocked me out & kept shaking her head, like she's right! What the fuck, bitch? Get out of the comfort zone, look around the world. I know you couldn't care less that the world is now full of pollution & you are hell sure that you will not make a difference. Typical selfish Chinese. Don't judge me, I'm Chinese too, doesn't mean I think my race is great! (In case some random visitors wish to comment on my statement again.)

I don't want to criticise about how you live your life. At the end of the day, I would just like to advise you to back off & mind your own business, loser.

Other than my a-piece-of-crap job, I'm perfectly happy with my life.

Bought a new phone. (Not Iphone, I'm anti)

Watched a number of movies.

Caught up with some friends who claimed they miss me.

About to delete some who couldn't care less from my life as I am still wondering why they were once considered best pals to me.

Talked about the future.
Thought about many possibilities.

Picked some tiles.

Bought some books.

Ate some fattening food.
Broke some self records.

Travelled by ERL early morning for breakfast & enjoyed it, you just don't know how good it feels to be up so early & you're in the train checking out views & listening to radio or music that you appreciate.

Made new friends.

Cracked some jokes.

Got to know some people better.

Set up more clear rules for self.

Ate some ice-creams.

Learned more about office politics.

Got to know how rich the government is.

Done less shopping.

Saved more money.

Upgraded internet speed.

Talked less.

Cursed less, though I miss. Not that I'm getting rid, it's because I have no one to do so with.
Dennise, when to go out??

Lastly, trying to improve my time management.

P.S.: Si mut cui, when will you come again?? I'm dying to go to karaoke with you! I need it!

What is War?

What is war?
Ask the young men who fight,
Men who defend the right,
Ask them - what is war?
'Honour - or death - that is war,'
Say the young men.


What is war?
Ask of the women who weep,
Mourning for those who sleep,
Ask them - what is war?
'Sorrow and grief - that is war,'
Say the women.


What is war?
By ways beyond our ken,
God tries the souls of men,
Sends retribution just,
Punishing vice and lust,
God's wrath for sin - that is war.


J. M. Rose - Troup

The Depth

Saw something that caught my eyes yesterday for a minute, then another one.
A bus especially for females, Rapid KL U82. 
The tagline is something like "More comfortable & cleaner. 
Well, as a female, I should be proud that we are being paid attention on, but I wonder which group actually asked for this until this could be made possible for implementation. 


I personally think it's a worthless execution, not only wasting money & time, I don't see the point of having this extra bus service. What I'm saying is all this effort should be used for something more worthy, instead of turning females of this country into sexists & making guys think that we are so damn narrow-minded. I'm not eliminating the possibilities that there would be molesting, staring, pickpocketing, sweat smell, & blablabla. 


Being able to stand up for women's rights is one thing, being feminist is another kay. Why don't spend the money on education or improve on the bus schedule? Or hire more cleaners to clean up the roads & drains? Or buy more recycle bins? Well, I seriously don't know how causes are being prioritised in this country.


Yea, if you're some princess, don't take bus. Take taxi, please. Taxis are smelly too. Hire a personal driver & rent a car then. Yea, some say there's definitely a reason for this. Uhuh, because the election is coming soon.


I have no say for how they allocate the source. I'm just voicing out my thoughts. I'm not talking about which ministry is responsible for any actions carried out. I'm just telling in general about how things are being allocated & how I think it's not practical. Don't come & tell me as if you're so professional & trying to sound sophisticated. It's all because you don't get what I meant. Not because you think I don't get what you say.


I'm a female doesn't mean I have to side females. I'm a Chinese doesn't mean I'll side Chinese. Call me racist, call me stereotype, I don't care. You don't have to read this if you don't like. I don't need your opinions. I don't need you to object & comment & be angry about what I reply. So what if I'm judgemental? Can you be more open-minded & just accept my opinion as it is? No one asked you to influence me & try to change how I think. Improve your EQ please. I'm not saying it's totally a bad idea, I just think the cons are bigger than the pros. Time will tell. Yea, call me extremist.


What....ever.....

Some people, their minds just can't get narrower, & they think they are so opinionated. 

What I think doesn't represent everyone else's thought. Get it? 

You don't have to get so worked up. It's okay if you don't accept, but do accept people for who they are. Instead of getting so angry & torturing yourself. 

Get out of your comfort zone please & open your eyes. 

You're not always right & I didn't say I must be right. 

I don't mind if you don't accept, but I do when you're making a big fuss out of it. 

For me, you're immature & simple-minded. & so full of yourself. Remember, you started this. & lastly, I despise your shallowness & am laughing at it. Please grow up. For our age, I'm way ahead of you.

JUST ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE. DON'T OVERREACT, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT HEALTHY & RATIONAL.

The Pathetic

Now, even though I have to work on Thaipusam, that wouldn't be the pathetic part.

Most probably I get to leave work earlier because I'm only attending training. And then, I get to claim an extra day in my annual leave! Okay, enough about me.

Took the bus to work today. Was rushing to catch the bus. The unpredictable bus schedule.

Though was walking with a fast pace, you'd manage to catch a few pictures. Like those healthy taking the elevator especially made for the disabled. It's made specifically clear. So what if there are no disabled people around? It's designed just for them. All the buttons are in braille! & you'll see the priority zone in buses are all taken by young fit people. Well, the sadder thing is those who are being categorised don't even know their rights.

Whose responsibility is it to create awareness? Who will be in charge to implement & change these people's attitude?

Bought a mug for Stephanie as a gift, also a token of gratitude. I feel guilty everytime seeing her using polystyrene cup every single to drink her coffee. Kill 3 birds with 1 stone. :) Many birds, in fact.

A previous poll in The Star showed statistics about how much M'sians are willing to pay for every extra plastic bag they consume. I voted for 30 cents to 1 Ringgit. Of course, predictably, more than half voted for FOC. & some preferred sticking with 20 cents. Another sad case. I'm not saying I wouldn't use plastic bag at all, because I know it's unavoidable. Hey, there are food which only come in plastic packaging! But within your capability, you know you can minimise the usage of it.

I don't know about you. I'm very concerned of the world's end. Not from the religious point of view, but human. Doesn't matter which religion you believe in. Unless you are some pathetic guys who just don't fucking care.But besides them, who can bear to see the sufferings before the light at the end of the tunnel finally shimmers before your sight? The flood in parts of Aussie which is stated as being the worst in one or two centuries. The massive change of climate all over the world. The diseases, the mind corruption of human beings. 

And one day, Malaysia would snow? That would be a remarkable moment. Well, at least you get to see some historical scenes before you leave. Who knows? Maybe it's just another humongous climate change & then the fittest will survive. Like how it wiped out dinosaurs & cockroaches got to live. Then, I would really like it wipes out cockroaches this time. Any other votes? Ahh, rats would be another choice.

A Late Wish

It's the 3rd, kind of late, I know.
Well, I've been too laid back spending time at home.
Didn't even bother going online.
When I came back & finally browsed through everyone's blog about a new year, I got a bit excited.
I didn't really bother about starting a new year.
Starting to feel that new year is really nothing.
Maybe I didn't spend it with the right crowd.
Or I think I might have been too hard on myself on new year eve as I spent the countdown discussing a very big possible crisis in my church with Nian.
No new year resolution or whatever. Nothing I care too much this year except I wish I could be with my family all the time.
With the 4th anniversary coming up in about a week's time, I should really pressure myself to think of something sweet to do. Arrrghhh, the numbness.


Like Kung said, last year was a hell of a roller coaster.
& I feel it's way too far back from the present.
Like it has been ages yet it was last August that I just had my convocation.
The Viva that scared the hell out of me which made me think I wouldn't pass my thesis.
The last semester, the finals, & the jobs.
The patch up, the interviews & all the learnings about new stuffs in order to survive in the city. The series, the sitcoms, the crazy nights, it all feels so far away.
& now thinking back, it's all feeling so meaningless. I think this is what you called WASTED.
What's youth without all these trash, right?


Jane, I love your new year spirit & Kung, how I envy about you having new year resolutions!
Luckily, being easily inspired, I would like to propose my own resolutions.
1. Going somewhere overseas for a vacation with the boyfriend or family or altogether which is not very possible.
2. Have found a job that I truly love with good pay.
3. Spend a more meaningful year. (Don't ask me to define)
4. Be more like myself.


So, what the heck, everyone? It's New Year!!
Love yourself even more this year & love others like how you love yourself.
I know it's not possible but try harder!
Give seats to the elders, don't spit on the road & don't sit on seats for disabled & pregnant women!
Donate your clothes, smile more, do more charity & use less plastic bags!
Love life, everyone.

In Between X'mas & Thanksgiving

For me, the only ideal way of celebrating X'mas is in church with choir, dances, stage play, duet & last but not least, hymns singing. 

Without all these, X'mas just seems meaningless or dead to me. 

I know I'm uncompromising. I know this has got to change. 

I shall try to change my mindset if I wish to live happier. 

& I am quite bothered that Christmas has been commercialised.

I hate the concept that "Now everyone can celebrate Christmas!"

No offense but the real meaning of X'mas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus & to remember he had come to this world to die for us.

Sorry that I got a bit religious here, but if you don't believe this or you don't give a damn, why the hell are you eating turkey at home & wishing everyone Merry X'mas?

Then, all the terms like X'mas shopping & X'mas wacko sales come out. & you start planning & giving ideas about how you would spend the day or night or you just feel sad about yourself for being alone during X'mas. Or you prefer to wear your Santa cap & get hammered in some clubs & wake up in a total stranger's arms.

But then again, I have no choice but to accept that you have your own freedom & that you've abused the true meaning of X'mas.

Lastly, Merry Christmas! To everyone!

I'm back in my hometown, with the hope to celebrate X'mas but apparently I was late.

So, I don't want to talk about how I spent my Christmas.

Traditionally, my church will have a year end thanksgiving dinner.

I'm currently in between X'mas & Thanksgiving & there are a lot of stuffs going on.

Firstly, because my sister scored straight in PMR & we're having a BBQ party for her.

Now, Thanksgiving is 3 days ahead. & I haven't taken her out for a treat as I promised because she is always busy & not at home. Her schedule is always full but most of the time is spent doing boring teenage stuffs.

Well, at least that is what I think because I'm an adult & I totally understand now why the adults always think what I did was meaningless as so of what I think of my sister sometimes nowadays.

This is because even though she is always out, she actually spends her time in church.

& for me when I was a teenager, hmm I would rather not talk about it.

I feel like I have a lot of things I want to do with her but she seems not available always.

I'm kind of forlorn as I noticed everytime I come back, she is a different person. 

This time, I strongly feel that she's gone a lot rebellious which is not a good sign & I have the urge to yell at her more. 

I'm controlling myself as I'm afraid that it will push her away from me & she would start to hate me & she won't tell me her secrets anymore.

I'm very possessive & I wish my sister would stay the same all the time, being cute & cuddly & always pleasant. Which means she won't turn bad & do bad stuffs.

I love her a lot & I don't want her to make my parents angry.

Lastly, I just want to enjoy my holiday with family at home.

Until I come back for Chinese New Year which is 1 month after I've gone back to work.

Which is a short period. That I am happy of.


Oh yea, almost forgot to tell you guys, I watched Gulliver's Travel! It's so damn hilarious.
When Jack Black was taken to be a girl doll trapped in a big doll house with big pink ribbons on his head. That is my favourite part. Okay, enough of the spoilers.

Till then, good day.

Breakfast at McDonald's

My dad emailed me this long time ago. I've read it more than once.

This is my new habit. To share thought-provoking stories.

Anything to inspire your day & mine!

With Love, from me!

Breakfast at McDonald's - a nice forwarded mail.

 

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end!: I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.' The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

 

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'. His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them.

 

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.' I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope.' We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love. I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.

 

I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?' I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student. I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:

 

A smile happens in a flash, but its memory can last a lifetime.

终极意义

哈哈，忽然间又想要打华文了。

差不多两个星期没更新。

Hmm， 最近一堆事接二连三的来。

也好，有好有坏，才会感受到存在的价值。

22 号失业，去了两个面试，录取了，8 号开工。

目前为止，还在满足中。

公司有喝不完的咖啡因，是多么畅快的一件事啊！

最开心的当然是朝九晚五，而且公司政治----无！

近来好像变了个人，竟然开始情绪化。

不是因为月事啦。所以今天就决定一个人出门去。

走出门口，又觉得一个人好像酸溜溜的。

翻查记忆通讯录，就拿起手机，拨了个轮给Jane。

临时约人，也不敢奢望人家有空档，但她好爽快地说可以咧。

就乘着凉风，等巴士去了。

最近老是在等巴士时，跟人聊起天。

碰到超多同乡的！

三天内，碰到4个伊班人。

他们好像统统都来了这里。

替他们开心的是，好像文明了很多哦。

一知道我是同乡，态度都不一样了。

昨天在巴士上让位给个老阿姨，她居然不领情，还不感恩呃！

整个路程，只看了我一眼，然后装没看见。

之后就别过脸，索性忽视我。

*伤*不是什么，我要求的回报只是一个微笑。

好像要你坐，很委屈酱。

说回今天，跟Jane碰面了，出发了。

吃了午饭，又花钱了...*痛*

可是花得值得。

这次的散心有疗效，心不沉了。

又跟久违的友人聚，有意义啦。

然后回家时还碰到木槌呃！

那把熟悉的声音叫着我的名，八婆！

见了你就发现原来很想你们呃！死党！

再加上今天上帝决定要给好天气，助长了雀喜的心情。

连蓝色星期一都不相信了！

你们说要尊重死者，我偏要讲。

部落格是我的，你可以不读。

相信大家都知道最近有个跟我同年的男子为情坠楼。

咳，坏榜样啊。

某个电台主持人说得对，你有勇气去寻死，为什么没有勇气去面对？

难道死真的比较容易吗？

天堂又少了个灵魂了。

你死之前有后悔吗？你证明了什么？

是无止境的爱吗？

人家一生就要抱着愧疚过日子了。

倒霉的话，就患上忧郁症或双重人格。

要不就永远走不出阴影认识别人。

这....是你要的结局吗？

万一她最终承受不了这个打击，和你一样做傻事， 那你是不是觉得如愿以偿？

隔了几天才有时间写完这篇东西。
看了他出殡的报道，果然不出所料，他被很多九十后的当成偶像了。
真可笑！自杀都可以成英雄！你死之前还这么冷静，还能玩倒数！
*拱手* 我服了！
像我们这些八十后的就批评他是无比愚蠢。
好了，助长歪风了，要万劫不复了。

*叹气* 我无言。
忠告：我不知道你们是不是和我意见相同，但是我肯定认为任何东西都来得比生命重要。
如果是情况危机而你捨身救人，上帝和我都赞同。
在普通情况下，若你不是宅心仁厚或救的人不是你的至亲至爱，人，照正常反应都会先自保。
殉情，就让它困在武侠和言情小说吧！
自杀，死不去，要坐牢，杀人是罪，杀自己也是罪，因为你也是人！真是气死我了！
自杀，死得去，在任何宗教角度来说，你，都是罪不可赦，到时真是海枯石烂，你都还在火中烧啊。
大家，寻找人生意义吧！深呼吸，望上天空，抿嘴笑一下，都是希望，好不好？！*翻白眼*
为自己而活，很难吗？！

看了这篇新闻，第一个反应：“咳，又多个人下地狱了。”

初恋情人

真的很纳闷，都这么多年了，我还是放不下。
就因为你的不告而别，心里还是不甘心。。
很想知道到底发生了什么事。。
如果我当时成熟一点，没跟你提出分手。。
你或许也不会在复合后又丢下我吧。。
不过我也想过，依你的性格，你应该会把你的前途排首位。
还是是我让你改变了想法？

如果我们没分开过，也难保我们会长久。
因为都没长久过，谁知道我们合不合得来？
这么多年来，你有想起我吧？
我做了很多傻事，打过电话去你家，上网找你的资料。
得知了你人在那里，有次无意间看到你和朋友在Facebook的合照, 也找到你的部落格。
觉得我好变态，成了斯托克。
事情总是那么巧，可是巧的是我都只是听过你的消息，看过你的照片，但这几年来，没碰过你。
我也是前年年尾才知道的，有朋友住你对面，因为两家人很熟，我每年新年一定去她家，但我跟你却从来都没碰过面。
这就是没缘分吧. 记得吗？我们以前很常很巧地碰到对方，或同个时间拨电给对方。一拿起电话，怎么就听到你的声音？到最后都搞不清到底是谁先拨通给对方。

再也没试过跟一个人那么有缘了。也知道不会再有。
每次回去，都遐想会在哪里遇到你，咖啡店或商场。
家乡地方不大，要碰见很容易。
我知道你在国外，根本不能预计你几时回去。
是我妄想啦。
这次农历新年，又去友人家。
知道了你住对面，反而不想去了。
不过无可避免，还是去了。
也情不自禁地拼命朝你的家看，希望会碰到你。

我想我再也不会有年少时的那份勇气和冲动了。
曾经有过，但不持久。
想发个信息，连键都按不下去，更别说打出字来。
八年了，我还记得你的生日，你的病，你的车牌，你家电话号码，你的字迹，你的声音。
因为你，我一直还在相信巨蟹座的男人都是理想情人。
因为你，我还在相信一见钟情。

因为你以前崇拜S.H.E., 受你影响，也爱上了。
后来，都一直有听她们的歌。可是告诉自己，再也不是因为你喜欢，是因为我真的觉得她们的歌好听。

可是，每次听着热带雨林，心里还是很酸。那时刚认识你的时候，红嘛。。

而且收音机很常播。跟你分手时，都是听这专辑的几首歌哭的。
不过幸好，心痛的感觉随着成长，淡化了。

这几天下雨，忽然间很想听这首歌。可是又在外头，翻查手机，才发现没把这首歌放进去。
那时就发现，想你的心情又浮现了，而且这次，来势汹汹。
一直提醒自己，是徒然的。
当他告诉我想一起过完下半辈子，不知觉就想起你。
心痛狠狠地肆虐，感觉很强烈。好久都没这样了，然后就写了这篇东西。
我一直告诉自己，你再次出现的机率近乎零，所以都控制得很好，不去很想你。
我记得，我也逃避了很久，才敢再听这首歌。

不知道为什么，每过不久，我就会像现在这样，心里酸溜溜地在想你。。

不敢找回你的最大原因是很怕你想的跟我不同。。

可能你根本不想记得我，很怕你再说难听的话，很怕过了好久好久，你都不会回我。

说到底，就是怕受伤害。

总是觉得我们经历的，你不可能一点感觉都没有。

也许就是太至心至肺，所以需要的勇气更多。
我总是以为，少年时的爱情是最刻骨铭心的。

至少我的是，不过也只有你有本事让我无法忘记你。

听说你很后悔把我让给他。还多番写信给我，说你很心疼。

我当时很怨恨，所以都没回信。

可是你妹跑来找我，说你很痛苦。

我知道我自己也放不下你，就鼓起勇气写信给你。

可是你却说没这回事，还训了我一顿。

我就在想，你应该是因为当时我会考要到了，要我专心。

可是后来，我开始觉得我被你妹作弄，我知道她很讨厌我。

我高中会考完后，在超市看到你打工，我妈还去你柜台还钱。

当我们面对面时，我发现我还是忘不了你。

我很肯定你也是。
你回头望着我离去的眼神，我还没忘记。
因为那时，我也在不断地回头看你。
回家后，心没停止速跳过，根本控制不到自己的情绪，像疯了一样。

那天晚上根本睡不着。第二天打电话去你家，你弟说你出去了。

也不知道你手机号码。那次是我最后一次有不知名的冲动和勇气找你了。

听到他的死讯，你应该知道我很痛苦吧？

从来都没想过找回我吗？

还是觉得很愧疚，双手把我推给了别人，根本不敢找我？

你很自私，总是用你的一套想法，就认为是为我，为自己最好的。

就觉得反正痛苦是必然的，然后说服自己说“她会长大的。"。

一切都是过程， 是吧？

是我不明白，是你早熟咯？
不过，说真的，如果不是你，我也不会在爱情成长得那么快。
在不知道哭了多少个夜晚后，我终于累了，就说要忘记。
不知道祷告了多少次，求上帝带走我的喜怒哀乐，因为我明白不能只带走伤痛。
要不然，就不知道开心是什么滋味。可是当时的我情愿什么都不要。
所以很长一段时间，我的脸上都没有笑容。
因为当时我的世界，爱情大过天。
没告诉过任何人我总是板着脸的原因。
不过，到最后，到此时此刻，好像一切都是徒劳的。
因为这么多年后，想起你，心还是痛的。是很痛。
但是我没后悔过。
无论开心或伤痛，我都经历了最深刻的。
没有了这些记忆，我看事情，也不会透彻了。

每次想起你，我都问自己，几时要鼓起勇气找你？

是你懦弱，还是你根本已经将我抛诸脑后？

你知道吗，我还留着，也只留着你写的情信，你送的礼物。

多怨恨你都好，从来都不忍心把你给我的一切丢掉。

我试过一次，但不够五分钟，又从垃圾桶里捡起来。

从那之后，都没想过这么做了。

忽然间很想读你写的信，可是人不在家。

下次回去会把它们带出来的。

我好像很不对，有他了，还对你念念不忘。

我也懒得去衡量或评断这还是不是爱。

我知道很多人都会说不是。

因为初恋的遗憾，通街都是。

我也明白这个道理。

瞒着他我的感受，我也知道不对。说出来也于事无补啊。
因为你除了在我的记忆里，几乎都不存在。会很伤感情的。
我最后一次提起你是三年前的事了。
他说帮我找回你。从那之后，我再也不敢提起你了。

璐滢问过我，如果有一天，我们真的又遇见了，你说要跟我在一起，我会选谁？

老实说，我不知道。
因为除了你，再也没有人可以让我心跳加速而久久无法停止。
我很期待，但也很怕，再见到你的时候，这种感觉又出现。

我只想知道一件事，就是真相。

直接地说，你到底爱了我多久，你几时停止爱我的？

你说的到底哪句是真的？

我写好遗嘱了，希望我的葬礼，你会出席。

也留了一封信给你。是时候要重读，看有没有东西要修改。

时间一直走，可能我的想法也变了。

也不记得我写了什么。

只记得，写的时候，我尽量写我认为我不会改变的心里话。

不是因为我奢望什么，因为你是遗憾，你是心结，你是烙印。
每次回家都会想起你，然后梦到你。
每次都梦到你找回我，梦里的我眼里只有你。为了你，我不顾一切，你说要挽回，我想都没想就答应了。这两次回家都是一样的梦。情景不同，但结局一样。
我很清楚，除了你，再也不可能有人能让我这么不顾一切。

我不排除有一天我可能有过量的冲动和勇气找你。

不过，到目前为止，你是我唯一的遗憾。

S.H.E. 热带雨林

专辑：青春株式会社

曲:周杰伦  词:方文山  编曲:锺兴民

冷风过境回忆冻结成冰
我的付出全都要不到回音
悔恨就像是绵延不断的丘陵
痛苦全方位的降临
悲伤入侵誓言下落不明
我找不到那些爱过的曾经
你像在寂寞上空盘旋的秃鹰
将我想你啃食干净
月色摇晃树影
穿梭在热带雨林
你离去的原因
从来不说明
你的话像陷阱
我最后才清醒
幸福只是水中的倒影
月色摇晃树影
穿梭在热带雨林
悲伤的雨不停
全身血淋淋
那深陷在沼泽
我不堪的爱情
是我无能为力的伤心

.......................................................

这首歌，唱着谁都好，痛都很清晰。