Overwhelming Thoughts

Had migraine early this evening. The type you would feel nausea but puke nothing. The serious type that lasts very long & 4 Panadols cannot ease.

I am a bit stressed at work. Things I don't know how to settle. & I'm in another phase where I'm emo.

Sidney, I cannot bear to look at your photos anymore for the time being. I miss you a lot. Miss waiting for you at Asia Jaya & walking to office with you, miss buying breakfast with you. Miss you telling me "You know what, Lynda. Fuck it, just do whatever you want. Why do you care about anything people say, anyway?" & "My god, can you just make up your mind already?" Miss you trying so hard to annoy me, miss you pulling Elizabeth out from doing stupid stuffs. Really miss you calling me shortie. Miss your confidence, miss your "Don't give a damn" attitude.

It's just too hard to find colleagues that can be your friends & who accept you for who you are instead of bitching about you in front or at your back. Don't give me all those shit like, just because you're teasing or criticising in front of me, that gives you all the freedom to say whatever you like about me, bitch.

Called Elizabeth, did some memories recall about Sidney. Then, Jeff called. Caught up with each other's life. It's just very mysterious & surprising ways God works. Never expected he would call all of a sudden. We should do this more often kay.

Tonight has been a strange night & a good night. I guess I would try to ignore the person who asked me something really odd if I didn't take the cue wrongly. Hopefully I was wrong. He was an ex colleague. I wonder what's his deal. Nah, none of my business.

Elizabeth! How I wish I could tag you in Blogger as well. Write the letters I asked you to. I would myself generate a list of recipients. No regrets!

A Longer Weekend

When all anticipated that there would be a huge jam on Friday night, I was in the office, waiting to be picked up & spending time to complete some extra tasks.

Woke up at 10 a.m. the next morning. As far as I was concerned, though I had really no mood to especially care much about the updates, it was not like any other Saturday though I was not in the city centre. The boyfriend has joined a BB group chat, Star Bersih or something. Updates were instant, live.

I thought of giving some own thoughts on this. But I am really not in the state to comment on this & I don't even want to click on any links to watch the videos. It already feels sad enough. Okay, period.


Witnessed an engagement ceremony today. Never attended one before.
Took a day leave for this. How nice to have Monday off. Though it's not that I suffer from Monday blue.


Congratulations on the new couple! May Love be the motivation of your marriage & may nothing stops you from keep loving each other. Nights, everyone~

A Notable Saturday

Woke up at 9am this morning.

The first thing I do is of course, switching on my lappie.

And I went on Facebook.

Saw a friend request.

Someone I totally didn't expect.

But at first sight, I recognised the name.

The first guy ever who confessed to me, haha, together with his silly photo.

He'll yell at me when he sees this. Hey, I still remember vividly how you looked like in the photo kay. *laugh*

Almost 10 years ago.

Phew, such a long time.

I am grateful & glad that we can be friends.

Said he couldn't sleep the night before & thought about his long lost friends.
And I'm in his list. Not bad ey, your memory?

Well, we were in the same class for 4 months, then I was transferred to different school.

Never thought he would remember me.

Told me I'm his first crush. That was cute. Okay, you asked me to be proud, right?
I am. Satisfied? :p

I don't have many friends from hometown.

Together with nice weather, this feeling is awesome.

Special & nice. People you never thought you could be friends with.
Some things, you just never saw them coming.

That's why when they do, they surprise you.

But I do hope the surprises I get are good ones.

But I understand we have to experience bad things as so to be grateful.

Dragged till I finally got hungry.

When I wanted to go grab something to eat, Cousie times two came out from her room.

Yup, time to go out as we planned.

Lunch in Prince, crazy big portion of XO sauce fried rice. It's enough for 2 meals.

Fixed 2 pairs of sandals at cobbler's.

Couz wanted to go check out cross-stitching materials.

Ended up not buying anything.

But being obsessed with buttons, I bought a few wooden buttons.

Haha, whatever, to sew on my plain shirts, or on my ribbon hair clips.

Or just for collection.
I have a thing for buttons. Clothings with a lot of buttons are irresistible.
Or bookmarks, scarfs, shoes, pouch, bags, anything you can sew buttons on.
*sparkling eyes of obsession*


While having lunch, he called to ask me out for movies.
Turned out to be a triple date.
Went to watch The Expendables in Tropicana.
Brutal & violent. My type.
Then, went for a drink.
Last event of the day, he dropped me in Tiara.
To attend Volker's farewell party.
Went back to Germany this morning.
Gosh, I got emotional.
Because he became emotional.
After we pushed him into the pool, he got up.
Standing there smoking coolly while we were all chatting around.
I noticed & went to him.
He said, "I'm just enjoying this moment. I'm happy that so many of you came.
I was thinking, if only 4 or 5 of you showed, I would think, what did I do wrong?
Then, so many of you showed up. That means I have made good friends here."
Gave everyone a nice big hug.
I introduced cheese related food to him.
Hence he named my eyes cheesy eyes.
You'll be missed, Volker.
Next farewell party should be Karen's, then Phillip's.
Met new friends, Louisa who can speak Mandarin crazily fluently, & Anne who is interested in unique designs. Girl stuffs. Ha. Introduced her Keller Homemade when she saw my tissue holder.
Told her Keller only makes one for each design. Onliest is the selling point.
Hehe, I brought you business!

Mood of the Day: I feel artistic today. Too much classic literature on my table.

And the weather reminds me of Charles Dickens.

Bah, humbug!


I'm grateful for what I have.

But I miss home a lot. I miss my piano sorely.

Something not Lasting

Got an first official full time job in life.

Working with Australian airline.

I must say, every budget airline sucks.

Wonder if Air Asia is any better.

Maybe not.

The more policies there are, the more yellings there are.

But nothing is perfect.

I just hate the tight schedule.

Anyway, I think I'm going to quit soon.

This is going to be a long self discovery road.

I hate that when things you don't want to see or know the most, they keep showing up.

Numbers, even all the states' names give me goosebumps.

I'm not proud of myself that I can remember the agent code, the state & city codes.

Even if my Geography improves.

This is where you learn to handle situations.

By learning how to lie confidently.

And what I hate most is not Price Beat Guarantee, it's when there're flight delays or cancellation.

That morning, you'll receive a lot of emails notifying every staff about them, together with all the flight numbers, origin & destination.

That is when you know it's going to be a long day.

All the mess. All the whys.

Some people just don't get it.

No matter how many times you try to explain, they don't fucking listen.

And after you got to know that S'poreans are not allowed to curse, you just wish every call is made by them.

And I'll never ever do a part time job again.

Unless they pay me by the end of the day.

Really miss home.

To forget about everything here.

Living in the same city with people who caused you pain.

It is not pleasant at all.

What you can do is imagining yourself killing them over & over again in your head.

The most brutal ways you can think of due to a hobby of watching horror movies.

Just be impressed of yourself that you can eat while watching the neck being cut off & blood panting out.

What good can it do?

They're still alive.

Then, you started praying, wishing they would meet with an accident or something.

Whatever, just die.

Pray hard squeezing your eyes wishing that day will come soon.

Then, the only thing that makes you feel better is you know their lives are messy.

And you know, they are suffering.

And you just have a feeling they're going to die soon.

This is how my optimism serves me just fine.

I have all reasons to believe that I'm being disturbed by some psycho lady

whom I met a few times while waiting for bus.

She talks to herself with weird expressions and she wears a cartoon pink watch.

She used her phone light to flash at me.

Fucking crazy bitch.

I feel like killing her as well.

Talk about anger management & self defence.

I've got a stun gun.

The Longest Break

The last time I blogged, which wasn't even my own words, was July last year.

Almost a year.

So, this is going to be a long post. Haha~

Finally, I'm at a junction again, slumbering & having time to spill some thoughts here.

And of course, I would say, like I always do, many things have changed while I'm gone.

Catch up time.

Being sentimental & forgetful, I've browsed through all my posts from the first to the last.

Done a self survey, I've come up with a conclusion, I've been on self exploring writing posts about my characteristics.

Planning to widen my categories of blog post.

Add more elements to my blog.

Let's see what I've missed out.

I noticed I posted a story from my newspaper articles.

Should do that more often.

& last year X'mas.

I finally get to spend it in my church.

I would be frank this time.

It sucked.

I don't know what's going on but the X'mas celebration was a failure.

Cut cost, most probably.

But I'm still passionate about making you better.

Then, there were church's annual kids' bible camp and joy's centre annual graduation night.

Had a great time. Those kids were adorable.

I discovered an overwhelming fetish. *chanting*

Then, there were Christmas stay over and 2010 new year countdown.

Despite a well known bad news happened in October which made me called everyone on best friend list to cry all over again & again, I loved this holiday.

Managed to get closer with some friends, managed to let some friend which I've known for more than 10 years to keep in contact again, managed to feel meaningful for serving in church, managed to get my driving licence finally.

Managed to get closer with a close friend but got detached again when I drifted a little away these few months.

Managed to know some people's true colours.

Managed to get confused about why they are the way they are.

Managed to get messy & destructive at some points.

I felt busy, content, lively, and happy.

One part of me wish I could stay like that forever.

Simple life, no fights, surrounded by kids (which are not mine).

Of course, responsibilities and duties called, and definitely reality did too.

So, here I am, doing a job, which I thought I could bare with.

Maybe just another week.

Okay, ran out of stuffs to write.

Guess this is not going to be long after all.

Love life, bitches.

Of Age, Period And Time

The clock is ticking, every second nearing the dawn of a new semester.

I always, won't let myself to get overexcited or overly down when having to face this sort of matters.

Now, my mood is on & off feeling down & getting neutral again, for no reason.

Then I would tell myself, it's just like any other day. No big deal at all.

Maybe it's the weather. It's conveniently extremely hot.

Spare you the rant.

These few months, is the period I feel most changes happened around me.

I feel so deeply, it's a turning point for everything.

That it's time for things to change, move on for the better or worse, but definitely for the sake of planting more & more maturity in me.

I still love going home.

Everytime I go back, there must be something at home that has been changed, replaced or added.

Now, my family & I are all very alert & scared of thieves, scared when we hear sounds from downstairs.

And our meals now are mostly vegetables & fish. I actually don't mind, because my mum is a great cook. 

Carol looks like a big girl now. Compared to the 14-year-old me, she's simpler, happier, content & more matured. I'm grateful, that she did not follow my footsteps.

Selfishly, I wish she'll never grow up. I mean, I wish we can still interact with each other using the same way. That our bond and telepathy will never die out.

She's still my baby sister. So needy of my care, help & teasing. :p

At home, I'm always downstairs watching series, & she would be doing homework upstairs & then she'll go to the stairs & call for me, bugging me to go up & sleep with her.

I normally said okay, then I wouldn't go up. Out of tiredness, she would already be sleeping tightly when I finally went up.

One night, I was doing the same thing as usual, when her sleeping time arrived, my mental alarm told me something was not right as she didn't call for me. ( That was the 1st night I was downstairs, spent most time being upstairs this holiday)

So I off my laptop, went up & checked her out, she was already sleeping.

& so I was telling myself, she's grown up, she doesn't need me anymore.

Feeling a bit disappointed, but grateful too.

The next day, she told me, she did call for me, but I didn't hear her. Apparently, she was sick & she lost her voice, so I couldn't hear when she was trying her best to call me. She's still my little sis after all, but can't help thinking that she'll grow up one day. It's okay, I'll deal with that.

Of course, my brother is kind of jealous that I'm closer with her than him.

Well, we can laugh for hours non stop & do silly things every now & then.

This semester, we're moving to PD block for the final year. 

Back to the one I had my foundation. It, of course, won't feel the same anymore.

No more Jaya1, & all, harder to get transportation & printing facilities.

The existence of elevators and nicer mamak stalls doesn't comfort me at all.

Looyin has moved out from K3E.

We can talk for hours starting from the tiniest insignificant topic & then extend endlessly.

We share everything together, sing, listening to songs, movies, series, problems, boyfriend issues..haha~

Who else would do all these with me?

Who else would do these as good as you do?

But I'm moving on! But not forgetting you, don't worry..haha~

Just accepting changes & changing with the changes with no alternatives at all.

But I'm happy. Content that I'm learning.

All the questions about the future, all the shoes awaiting, all the movies I'm going to miss out because of this crazy semester coming.

All the doubts of my career, all the uncertainties of stay or leave. 

I'm being shown a way now..a way that I don't have to choose between God & career. 

The favourite church has evolved too...getting better at some areas, but the system is still pretty much flawed and the heart of the followers are not burning as they're supposed to. Sound deadly when singing & praising, same old prayer speech for a decade. Can strongly sense that because some do not like to change, & those who can change do not bother to engage. 

It's discouraging to see all these. That the church does not grow at the supposed rate with the age & time.

When the world is dying & I'm part of the reason, I let my guilt be overwhelmed by my self pleasure. & I was thinking, so what? We're going to die eventually. It's just a matter of time.

I'm not challenging my limits as a part of me still likes to be in the comfort zone.

I'm telling myself I'll change, just give me some time.

And so, all the changes are happening.

Along with Age, Period & Time....

Scattered Thoughts

I've been waiting for the mood to brew for me to write this post.

Have a strong feeling I'll end up finishing this post only tomorrow.

A bunch of things happened in this two weeks...

Hmm, let's see, first & foremost, the terrifying final exam..

I managed to survive all those hot days, where the room degree is equivalent to body temperature. & all those fake signs of rain, which gave me false hope.

Depressing...especially during exam..everyone has not been attentive to study..

Second, party by the poolside, ooi noo yin moving out *sob*, end of exam, X men: Wolverine (just for Hugh Jackman, not really interested in knowing how X men were formed.), & then all those sleepless nights started, I'm always the one who claps million beats slower. 

Always suffering from post - effects.

& the fact that I remember my dreams, for many years ever since some time back in secondary, I thought I'm one of those who never dreams. Thought maybe it's because I'm care-free.

Until I acquired the fact that everyone dreams every night.

So I know I don't remember my dreams. Which still doesn't change my mind of the indication.

It's relieving to know that my mind doesn't bother about all those upsetting matters.

Ignoring the thought that I might be in denial or some sort.

So these few nights, I started to remember my dreams, which is definitely not a good sign for me, of course...but still ignoring...as long as I don't get insomnia out of it.

Human beings..not doings

by Rick Warren

Sunday, February 22, 2009 7:51 AM

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. 'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said: "People ask me, What is the purpose of life?" And I respond: "In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity.

We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense…

Life is a series of problems: either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

§ If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.

§ But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her - it has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before.

I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back.

It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism?
Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.

God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

More info about Rick Warren

http://www.rickwarren.com/about.html

A few years ago, I was like any other human being, questioning what I should do, my purpose on earth & my purpose of life, fortunately, God opened my eyes & heart & showed me. Maybe I'm just nobody, maybe I'll be nobody. Maybe my time is not here yet, but I want to believe, that my heart stays with Him forever. When I tell others I want to have a meaningful life, it's all about God, it's all because of God.