My Boss

I don't really remember when I went for interview for my current job. I only remember the first time I met him. His reactions & expressions told me that he was not convinced I could do the job. Well, in the end, it really took them a while to contact me to say that I got the job, hence I even forgot that I went for this interview.

Before this job, I have never really have an actual superior that I need to report to. As being so inexperienced, I know he was very skeptical to trust me to do anything. But he trained me well by giving bit by bit of tasks. I still remember after around half a year, he told me that he actually didn't want to take me in the first place. Then, I asked him if he would regret by doing so. He answered, "yea, a bit lo."

He was so cool & I didn't dare to speak to him much, but I had no choice because I report to him, the then Director of Operations. I asked my colleague & slowly got to know him & his working style. My colleague told me that he's actually not hard to please as long as I do my job. Well, that's actually the matter of fact.

Gradually, I began to gain his trust & he started to give me more responsibilities. Projects to handle, difficult tasks to complete. He is a perfectionist & workaholic. The amount of pressure he gave is not something everyone can take. Receiving midnight essay-like texts & weekend calls from him were routine; so are scolding from him.

But for me, I always see these as motivation for me to perform better. Somehow, I enjoy being scolded & lectured by him. I always felt bad when he shouted at me, because I knew he believed that I could do more & much better than I have. He gave me the momentum to push myself to higher limits & made me confident that I could actually do much better.

No matter how busy he is, he never failed to guide me whenever I needed his help, even though it could be the most petite things I asked. He would give me life advice, he never stinge on knowledge. Even when it's not my field of expertise, if I ask & am willing to learn, he would teach & explain to me from head to toe until I understand the whole thing.

The way he jokes in the most subtle yet hilarious way always make my day. Unexpected actions & lines that come out from him always surprise me & make me burst into laughter. Throughout these 2 years working for him, our relationship I believe has gone beyond just boss & employee. I see him as my mentor & father. The way he always protects & cares for us is indirect yet obvious. I really don't understand who will ever want to harm him & bring him down. I would anytime let him take credit for my works because I would not know how to do them without him teaching me. He could always come up with the most creative & amazing methods to teach us & make us remember what he has taught us.

I appreciate all the things he has done for us, all the efforts he has put for the company. Now he has decided to take a break. Though utmost sad, I have to start accepting the fact.

Come to think about it, he has started preparing us to be independent & get used to him not being around for the past couple of months. Without knowing what was happening, I just thought that he got tired of his job & wished to call in an early retirement. Of course, at his age, he knows that nothing can't be beaten by Time & we will definitely & eventually get used to him not being around anymore.

Now that it's official, I don't know how I can adjust to him not being there for me anymore. Covering my ass all the time, protecting me like a father. For a busy man like him, I never expected that he actually remembered & took the effort to buy thumb drives for us because Emily & I kept telling him that our thumb drives have gone missing. Though he got us all same colour, I will not borrow it to anyone because this is how much I cherish & appreciate the effort he took to get it for me. I felt so sweet when he came to give me the thumb drive & told me not to lose it. I want others to be jealous of me because I had the chance to be taught & guided by the greatest boss I have ever known. I tell all my staffs that you are the best boss ever. When I got to know your birthday this year, I was really excited & told myself we must plan a surprise for you even though I know you don't like it. I have marked your birthday in my calendar with no end date, but looks like we will not be able to celebrate your birthday next year.

I don't know who I can go bug later on whenever I feel bored. His room will be empty starting next month. I can no longer tell him to stop eating so much sweet stuffs. I can no longer receive intercom calls from him anymore. I can no longer look forward to seeing him every morning & greet him morning. I can no longer ask him if he misses me after I have gone for vacation. I can no longer hear him making fun & mocking me about how messy my table is & how annoying & noisy I am. 

I really miss those times that you would bring me anywhere you go for inspection in units, go see owners, site visits, inspection during constructions, walkabouts & experiments we do for preventive causes. Also, all those times that we argue due to different opinions & you will always let me go for trial & error & learn things the hard way. You were never afraid to admit you're wrong if I manage to prove it. From here, you have taught me humility that I will admit my mistakes wholeheartedly as well. He is so humble & listening all the time. He always gives me opportunity to give suggestions & if it's feasible, I can actually do it. He will only stop me when he is confident his way is the only & best solution. & I can tell you, he has never been wrong! & I know & trust him 200%, whatever he decides, there must be a solid good reason behind it & I will have absolutely no doubt about it.

He has never made it easy for us to take leave. It's never successful with first attempt. I know he will approve it eventually but from here, I learned that with the power he has given me, I have bigger responsibilities that taking leave just like that will affect many things. So when 2 days ago, he just signed my leave application without seeing when I am actually going on leave, it made me feel really sad. He used to mark his calendar whenever I was going on leave & everytime when I went on vacation, I would still receive texts or calls from him. But not this time, not my most recent Krabi trip.

Just this week Monday, I bought McD breakfast & the set came with coffee. Knowing that he likes to drink coffee all the time, I purposely kept it on his table with packets of cream & sugar just the way he likes it. I waited for him to come in, but he didn't turn up for the whole day. I started to wonder if he was on leave & feel sad that he no longer let me know that he's not coming in. I took up the phone & wanted to check with HR if he was on leave, but decided to put down after second thought. When I was about to throw the coffee away, he came in about 5 pm & I quickly stormed in his room telling him the coffee I got for him is wasted as it is already cold & I took up the cup. Then he immediately answered me that he will still drink it, so I said okay, put it back on his table & went back to my seat. When he came out from his room leaving to somewhere, he turned & told me again not to throw it away & he would come back to drink it. Though I don't know if he drank it afterwards, for me, that's enough. Nowadays I want to call him but I can no longer find anything to report to him. He no longer wants me to do anything for him. I am not used to it at all.

I keep his number on my phone's main page as direct dial. Now after 30th November 2014, I have to delete it, which I don't think I am prepared to do so. He has been so low energy & heartbroken lately & he has told me why. I just want him to know that I will always love him as my superior & respect him like a father. Whatever I said to him that I will not betray him or have second thought that he will ever harm us. If it's not for him, perhaps I would have left the company, but he doesn't believe it.

I have never taken a proper photo of him nor a photo with him as he doesn't like to take photos. I hope I can get some memorable photos with him before he leaves. It took me so long to persuade him to have farewell lunch with me. I just want to thank him for whatever he has done for us but he said he didn't do anything & doesn't owe me anything. My heart felt pain when he asked me jokingly if I am happy that he is leaving. I know he knows I am not happy & he wants to hear it from me.

The 1 ringgit that you gave me after losing in a bet, I think I have accidentally used it, but I will always remember it. I kept it in my diary for so long. I really want to always keep in touch with you if possible. But you are so secretive that you won't even tell me what your next plan is. & I know you can't save our numbers because of your wife, & you have to put so much effort to memorise all our numbers. I told you to tell your wife that you're old enough to be my father! But I don't know if that will help. How long will you remember my number after leaving? Will you come back to visit us? 

Things will not be the same without you being around, & I will have no idea who I can turn to whenever I need advice. Chatting with you always make me feel better & I know I will never find a boss like you anymore.

Anyway, Mr. Tan, all the best to you & you deserve this break. If you really plan to come back in March, please do! 

Thank you for these 2 years' experience. It has been hell of a ride & I will never forget you.

Do You Love Me?

By Hannah Daly

I woke up to app vomit on my wall the other day. Twenty two posts in a row with a nauseating pink gradient filled heart paraded in front of me like a digital attack as I scrolled down. With all the drama surrounding hacking and cyberwarfare as of late, and phrases like the “Pearl Harbor of the digital age” being thrown around, my relationship with the internet is kind of on the rocks. I felt violated by this unwarranted post-a-thon happening under my name. Especially considering, on a public digital surface that calls itself mine, people I know and trust taunt me with answers to intense, personal questions, like:

What was this combination of algorithms that wrote such a strange broken poetry all over my wall, so that everyone could see? I was expected to play a game to unlock the answer to this odd inquiry? The bizarre syntax spit out of some mathematical formula was intimate, familiar, and intrusive. I was posed questions about my identity (is Hannah a terrorist?) and probed into the touchy and complex territory of relationships (do you love Hannah?).

The oddest part, and what made me carefully read through the over twenty similar boxes lining my wall, was the title of this game, or app, or whatever they call it these days:

love

Just four lower case letters, the simplicity of its visual presence ironically butting against an overdetermined connotative weight. Every way the word inserted itself into the blue and white interface was just, well, weird. Kind of mundanely haunting? Irkingly dark? Quietly offensive? I got caught in the simultaneous feeling of banal annoyance, apathetic disturbance, and paralysing intrigue. As a linguaphile and digital addict in general, I was trapped and repulsed by love’s bizarre serenade. I hesitated, soaking in the questions, for almost two and half minutes when I was asked to decide:

What was love trying to tell me? Would I miss it all together if I blocked its advances? Why was my decision about its presence couched in such absolutes: all posts? Was I sure I wanted this? Forever?

It is hard to connect, even though we are hyper-connected, through wires and across clouds. It is hard to see, even though everything is crystal clear HD or coming right at us 3D. It is hard to feel and think, even though information and commentary comes at us at hyper-speed, updated every ten seconds. Who did love really think it was, to dictate the way I deal with unanswerable questions about all those strange and beautiful emotion things? I have trouble saying “I love you” to those that I do, and figuring out how to handle the multi-faceted valences of a sticky, if oh-so-sweet thing, like this particular four letter word takes up a lot of my emotional energy. The mathematically generated questions parading under my digital identity reduced the in-real-life experience of love to box after box of post, to simplylove: a thing to unlock with a few minute twitches of an index finger, a routine series taps on matte black square keys. love managed to erase all the beauty of the real love’s contradictory presence in our lives.

I didn’t want to see more. I made a decision:

With a click, love was forever blocked, but love was not.

Another Death

Just last night, I was talking to Elizabeth, doing some flashbacks of Sidney. 
Just 10 days ago, Evon called to ask about Sidney & we caught up with each other & mentioned about Dennis. 
Just 1 week ago, I bumped into Siew Hon at KJ & mentioned about Dennis. Just because of all these, I've been thinking about those good old days I had with them & thought of him. 
And, this morning, I received a call from Jes telling me he's passed away from car accident.
I started to shiver as I haven't even recovered from what happened to Sidney. Now, this.
I had to recompose my mind & start calling everyone to break the news. 
Elizabeth thought I was joking & of course everyone whom the news was collaterally broken to went into the initial stage of disbelief & denial. 
I had to gather myself to call Evon to check on her. 
Evon was strong, knew she was trying hard to be strong.
Everyone wished this is only a really bad joke, but they knew it's just not.
And then, this memorial groups of Dennis & Sidney were started on FB. And people won't stop posting.
God, I don't want to think that someone closer is going to leave anytime. I don't know why but I know there's a purpose or reason behind all these. But please don't give me another bad news, at least not anytime soon.


I treasure all my friends. Those worth treasuring. I don't want to keep posting RIP on people's walls. Holding back my tears. All these are really heartbreaking.


Dennis, it really doesn't matter how long we've known each other. For all that I'm concerned, I cherish all the times I spent with you guys. Your smile always made me felt so warm. Just like Sidney, everyone of you is special. Unforgettably nice. I never thought work could be so much fun. Rest in peace, my friend. As carved in this post, as how it is in my heart, you'll always be in my memories.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

By CHARLES WARNKE

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Share link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

Of Age, Period And Time

The clock is ticking, every second nearing the dawn of a new semester.

I always, won't let myself to get overexcited or overly down when having to face this sort of matters.

Now, my mood is on & off feeling down & getting neutral again, for no reason.

Then I would tell myself, it's just like any other day. No big deal at all.

Maybe it's the weather. It's conveniently extremely hot.

Spare you the rant.

These few months, is the period I feel most changes happened around me.

I feel so deeply, it's a turning point for everything.

That it's time for things to change, move on for the better or worse, but definitely for the sake of planting more & more maturity in me.

I still love going home.

Everytime I go back, there must be something at home that has been changed, replaced or added.

Now, my family & I are all very alert & scared of thieves, scared when we hear sounds from downstairs.

And our meals now are mostly vegetables & fish. I actually don't mind, because my mum is a great cook. 

Carol looks like a big girl now. Compared to the 14-year-old me, she's simpler, happier, content & more matured. I'm grateful, that she did not follow my footsteps.

Selfishly, I wish she'll never grow up. I mean, I wish we can still interact with each other using the same way. That our bond and telepathy will never die out.

She's still my baby sister. So needy of my care, help & teasing. :p

At home, I'm always downstairs watching series, & she would be doing homework upstairs & then she'll go to the stairs & call for me, bugging me to go up & sleep with her.

I normally said okay, then I wouldn't go up. Out of tiredness, she would already be sleeping tightly when I finally went up.

One night, I was doing the same thing as usual, when her sleeping time arrived, my mental alarm told me something was not right as she didn't call for me. ( That was the 1st night I was downstairs, spent most time being upstairs this holiday)

So I off my laptop, went up & checked her out, she was already sleeping.

& so I was telling myself, she's grown up, she doesn't need me anymore.

Feeling a bit disappointed, but grateful too.

The next day, she told me, she did call for me, but I didn't hear her. Apparently, she was sick & she lost her voice, so I couldn't hear when she was trying her best to call me. She's still my little sis after all, but can't help thinking that she'll grow up one day. It's okay, I'll deal with that.

Of course, my brother is kind of jealous that I'm closer with her than him.

Well, we can laugh for hours non stop & do silly things every now & then.

This semester, we're moving to PD block for the final year. 

Back to the one I had my foundation. It, of course, won't feel the same anymore.

No more Jaya1, & all, harder to get transportation & printing facilities.

The existence of elevators and nicer mamak stalls doesn't comfort me at all.

Looyin has moved out from K3E.

We can talk for hours starting from the tiniest insignificant topic & then extend endlessly.

We share everything together, sing, listening to songs, movies, series, problems, boyfriend issues..haha~

Who else would do all these with me?

Who else would do these as good as you do?

But I'm moving on! But not forgetting you, don't worry..haha~

Just accepting changes & changing with the changes with no alternatives at all.

But I'm happy. Content that I'm learning.

All the questions about the future, all the shoes awaiting, all the movies I'm going to miss out because of this crazy semester coming.

All the doubts of my career, all the uncertainties of stay or leave. 

I'm being shown a way now..a way that I don't have to choose between God & career. 

The favourite church has evolved too...getting better at some areas, but the system is still pretty much flawed and the heart of the followers are not burning as they're supposed to. Sound deadly when singing & praising, same old prayer speech for a decade. Can strongly sense that because some do not like to change, & those who can change do not bother to engage. 

It's discouraging to see all these. That the church does not grow at the supposed rate with the age & time.

When the world is dying & I'm part of the reason, I let my guilt be overwhelmed by my self pleasure. & I was thinking, so what? We're going to die eventually. It's just a matter of time.

I'm not challenging my limits as a part of me still likes to be in the comfort zone.

I'm telling myself I'll change, just give me some time.

And so, all the changes are happening.

Along with Age, Period & Time....

You Just Don't Know

I've been getting this a lot lately. "It's okay, Lynda won't mind." or anything similar.

It's starting to piss me off. I may not mind about small matters, but that doesn't mean I don't mind if you're being rude. When you take my stuffs without asking. When you will say anything to me & you think I don't mind. I actually do. But I smile & give it away. But that also doesn't mind I will forgive & forget. Especially when I think the hurtful words you say are intentional.

When I do you a favor, say thank you. When I say thank you, say you're welcome. When you step on my feet or drop my stuffs, say you're sorry. When you want to take my food, ask. I will give. Just because I never say no, don't assume I won't mind, for goodness' sake. When you are almost finishing my food, don't think that I don't mind.

I really suck at telling people off. I don't know how. I'll end up being weird & people will start backing off. Because before this, no one had done all these to me in my life.

I believe I can tell. With all the facial expressions & voice tones. I observe facial reactions. I believe I can still differentiate. It's too bad if I misunderstand you as trying to hurt me. But I know you don't care.

If you think how I dress up today is ugly, if you think my specs are old fashioned, if you think I'm fat, keep it to yourself. Unless you like revenge. If you think what I blog is rubbish, don't tell me too. No one asked you to read.

Don't tell me you're just joking after you make your statements with a serious tone & push yourself hard to make a smile. I can tell & I won't believe. Call me pessimistic. Call me pathetic.

I remember offensive or hurtful words best.

I know I've released too much of the "Lynda doesn't mind" aura. Until people think I don't care about anything.

"Lynda, I'm sure you'll only start your assignments the night before the submission date. You look like you don't care also." This may seem nothing but if you get to see the expression. This statement sounded so deliberated.

Don't tell me you mean no harm. You are already blacklisted.

Don't say I'm not being fair. I only conclude after experiencing a few of these for like 3 times. It's pretty obvious seeing how you treat me usually.

If I'm not important in your life & you really don't care, can you like, leave me alone?

I believe in courtesy. I won't say I've never said or done anything hurtful or rude. But I know I never meant them.

Even if I hate you. I won't waste my time trying to hurt you. I try my best to watch what I say. Just because you say you're like this, that doesn't means you can continue thinking that people will not mind. Ever thought maybe you've hurt someone very deeply & he/she can't forget what you said? Even though you know you didn't mean it..some people are born to be extra sensitive but you just don't know, you just never know what damage you've done to them.

I've experienced before. When I see the person cried confessing to me that he had been feeling hurt about what I said many years ago, that was painful for me. The damage is done. I only can hope he'll forget it. Because what I said had haunted him for so long.

I feel so insignificant lately..I hate it when people interrupt like all the time when I'm talking. Then what I say will not be bothered anymore. People seem to get so carried away with themselves. Especially when I'm telling them stuffs. Hmm, basically they just don't care what I'm saying. So I won't talk much to this certain group of people.

I'm Dororo.

No one will notice if I'm sleeping & they just come in & shout when talking when it's not even their room. Somehow, I just blend in my bed already & they don't bother to see if I'm actually there.

Conclusion, I don't gain respect from this group of people. I can see that.

All because "Lynda doesn't mind".

I just hope that people will bother to knock & see if I'm sleeping before they start to raise their voice in my room.

I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. You won't like if I do this to you too.

If I say anything hurtful, I'm sorry. I'm not expressive, that's why I'm here blogging.

This is an angry post. It's just time to release. I'm not messed up, okay?

Emotional Moment

And all the things you care about...

And all the things you wish to care about...

And all the things you don't bother about...

And all the things you wish not to bother about...

And all the people you wish not to see...

And all the words you wish you never have to hear...

And all the things you wish you will never know...

And all the people you wish not to see...

And all the words you wish will wake them up...

And all the acts you wish will not hurt...

And all the deeds you wish you can ignore...

And all the things you wish to forget...

And all the people you wish to forgive...

And all the things you wish to let go...

And all the things you are sorry about...