黑与白

这是发生在美国的真实故事。

白人妇女带着6岁大的儿子出远门，叫来了计程车，司机是位黑人。

这6岁的儿子从未见过黑人，心中非常的害怕，问妈妈：『这人是不是坏人，怎麽会长得黑噜噜？』 黑人司机听了很难过。 此时白人妇女告诉儿子：『这位司机叔叔，不是坏人，他是一个很好的人。』

儿子沉默半晌再问道：『既然他不是坏人，那他是不是做了什麽坏事，所以天父在惩罚他』黑人听了泪水在眼眶中打转，他很想知道这白人妇女怎样回答？ 妈妈说：『他是个很好的人, 也没有做坏事。 咱们家花园的花、有红、有白、有黄…是『是啊！是啊！』

『那花的种子是不是都黑色的？』孩子想了一下，『对啊！都是黑的。』『黑色的种子，开出色彩鲜美的花朵，让这世界多采多姿，是不是？』 『是啊！』孩子恍然大悟地说： 『那司机叔叔不是坏人喽！感谢司机叔叔，您让这世界多采多姿，我要为您祈祷。』

天真的孩子在一旁祷告着，黑人司机的泪水夺眶而下，心想：『为黑人被世人瞧不起身，今日，这位白人妇女如此温婉地教导孩子，解除孩子心中对我的恐惧，为我祈祷与祝福，真得好好的谢谢她。』

此时，目的地到了，黑人司机坚持不收钱，他说：“小时曾问过母亲同样的问题，母亲说我们是黑人，注定低人一等，如果她换成你的回答，今

这是第二次看到这篇文章。第一次收到这个电邮时，都没分享出来。

希望大家都可以有那位妈妈的见地；我也在努力着。

What Happens When You Die

I thought of just posting it here.

Your funeral feels surreal. Faces from your past and present are suddenly all in the same place, smiling and crying and celebrating your life. Your loved ones are hugging each other and saying goodbye to you, but they haven’t really accepted yet that you’re gone. They never really will. Your presence is still felt everywhere. When your loved ones squint they can almost see your fingerprints glowing on everything you touched. Doorknobs and light switches, shoelaces and silverware. It’s like you’re still here, just out of reach, and your voice is still so clear, just distant, coming from another room.

Your obituary seems uncanny, both unreal and hyperreal, like a piece of fiction that’s somehow become a fact. Your loved ones read it once, twice, again and again. They read between the lines. There are stories hidden within that brief paragraph. There are chapters. Volumes. So much goes unsaid. Your loved ones glance at all those other obituaries printed on the page and imagine all the other recently deceased out there, and all those other loved ones. They are strangers, united by grief. The living left behind by the dead.

And that’s what’s so strange too, that your death isn’t front page news. It’s buried in the obituaries section, the graveyard of the newspaper. Meanwhile the rest of the paper is tattooed with the usual ink stains. Weather and war, gossip and sports, op-eds and crosswords. Your death belongs with the puzzles: it’s a sudoku without any numbers, impossible to solve.

The world is cruel in its obliviousness. Offers for new credit cards addressed to you continue to arrive in the mail. They pile up in the recycling bin, unopened.

Your phone number is still saved in your loved ones’ cellphones. They’ll never delete it. Your email address still pops up in the To field, and it haunts them every time.

Photographs of you take on more weight. A 5×7 inch glossy photo of your naturally smiling face weighs 3.5 ounces, but it may as well weigh a hundred pounds. Your joyful gaze transcends two dimensions.

Your emails become digital mementos. Every book you inscribed, every card you sent, every gift you gave takes on new gravity, exerting its own pull on the soul, a bittersweet black hole to be cherished from time to time, then placed back on the shelf. These objects can’t replace you, but their presence helps solidify your absence.

Your loved ones couldn’t forget you even if they tried. Artifacts are everywhere, scattered through the mundane world of sights and sounds. Your sandwich on the menu. Your song on the radio. At first the unexpected reminders sting, and your loved ones wish those things would respectfully disappear, wish restaurants would stop serving Reubens and radio stations would stop playing The Temptations. But eventually the sting lessens, until it barely feels like they’re being stung, and your loved ones order your favorite sandwich, and hum along to your favorite song.

Life goes on without you. Time doesn’t pause. Students go to school. Workers go to work. Meals get prepared and eaten. Money exchanges hands. Jokes are told. TV shows broadcast new episodes. Gas tanks get filled. Dishwashers get emptied. Dogs bark. Cats nap. Birds sing in trees. The sun rises and sets, rises and sets. Perhaps that’s the hardest thing of all to accept, that everything in the world just keeps on going without you in it.

Acceptance comes in slow stages over the months and years following your death, and nevertheless sometimes upon waking from a dream about you, it’s hard to believe you’re forever gone. The dream gets dismissed as just a dream even though a part of the dreamer knows it was you, saying hello.

You weren’t perfect. You were better than perfect. You were good. You were warmth and wit, kindness and integrity, welcoming arms after a long flight home. You loved this place, this planet. You loved it in a way that only you could, and your love lingers in everything you left behind. Your family and friends. Your work. Your books and movies and TV shows. Your food and music. Your house. Your neighborhood. Your evening walks. Your now empty shoes. Your expired passport, which took you everywhere.

You loved. You are loved. You will be missed.


-Taken from Thought Catalog.com

Walking Through Everything

It will be 3 months this coming Thursday of me working in SLIM. Probation test is coming up. But let's not talk about that first.

Okay, the routine. Anniversary gone, Valentine's gone, birthday gone. Oh! I've gone through my ROM. I'm legally a married lady. Many kept asking me why I got married so young, why I wore that during my ROM. Please don't ask anymore. As long as I'm happy,  why should you bother? And there are things beyond my control, for example, what I do or wear. Besides, I don't think what I wear is the most important thing in this event. At least that's not how I prioritise my stuffs and I don't give a shit about how others do this particularly similar event. Just be supportive, if not, shut your mouth. If you're not a friend, please. Just fuck off.

I'm hooked to this website where random people write articles about random topics with catchy titles. I particularly loved this one article recently - What happens when you die (I've shared it on a post after this).

The next morning after reading it, I walked past a stall which I do almost every day. That morning, the uncle who was selling the kueh was not there. Left there was a note on the truck by his family that he's met an accident & passed away the day before & they apologised for not being able to serve anymore.

A week later, another uncle came and set up a stall there & life goes on.

I moved out from PJ last week & moved in to Klang. I miss PJ, but of course, I'm learning to like the new place. Over some time, I realised I'm fairly numb of changes, which is not a good sign.

With all the changes going on, what I wish most is to keep my identity. I know it's quite hard, especially when you're starting a new life. When you no longer live alone & can do whatever you want whenever you want. Everything will be on schedule and with plan. No more act on the spot - unless you have the luxury to do so, which, in this case, it is TIME.

That's what everyone worries about - losing your own self polluted by the cruelty of society, the overwhelming other half, the numbness of conscience. Well, maybe not everyone worries about that. Some will just let all these take over them.

I will try my very best to keep what I'm proud of & like about myself.

Happy Easter Day, peeps!

Last Day at The Longest Job

The first job in my life started on 3rd June 2010. Worked for 3 months, then another 2 & a half months. Then this job took me 13 months. The longest so far.

On my last day, 6th January, they held a farewell for me, Juin & Danny. Their last days are later but since they're nearing, so we just celebrated it together.

It's really harder to leave the longer you stay. We have bonded though it's just one year. Not a long period, not a short one too. Could feel that they all didn't want me to leave. Arrr, of course, their new "supervisor" is an expert in selfishness & torturing. It's the ruling of Dark Age now.

When I got home, they started to text & whatsapp me, telling me they are already missing me.

Awww. *heartbreak* I will miss you guys! It was a nice job, I enjoyed it. But too bad, things are falling apart. Some people just think that playing politics is a must in office. But that's not the reason I left. That's the reason I'm GLAD that I left. To Juin & Danny, I would like to say, "Good on you!"

Special thanks to Juin, my senior who taught me everything, protecting my ass everytime, saving me from screwing up, & scolding me all the time. I have to admit, I kind of hated it initially but then, I finally realised, you wouldn't do that if you didn't care. How understanding am I! I will miss you! All the best in Singapore!

Even until today, they're still calling me, complaining to me about their assignments and that they have no one to turn to since I'm not around anymore. I feel bad that there's nothing I could do to change the situation. 

Felt bad when I turned off my alarm on Sunday night, felt bad when I woke up on Monday morning worrying about them. Gosh, I became a nanny, seriously! Hmm, I wonder when I'll forget all your employee IDs, mobile numbers, skill matrix, all the part numbers & your planner schedule.

You guys, stay strong! (screaming inside "Leave while you still have the chance!"). I had fun at the farewell! Miss you always!

The Doomed Year

Arrr, everyone is with this crap that this world is ending 21st December this year. So, they asked us to cherish, endure & enjoy the last Christmas because you might not get to celebrate it anymore.

Should you just quit your job & do whatever you wish until then, and if it doesn't happen, you may resume to work? What kind of leave will you call this?

I spent my new year eve boringly at boyfriend's place watching Iron Man on cable. I wanted to go somewhere for countdown but it'd be jammed everywhere & you have to leave earlier in order to avoid the jam. Then you came home feeling sticky all over your body. The thought of it made me cancel the plan. So, then I went up to watch my favourite TV series & slept after an hour or so while he fell asleep when the fireworks started to ruin the night.

Watched Sherlock Holmes II on the 1st day of New Year. Robert & Jude are still hot. Enjoyed the movie despite the emptiness. It's the same every year. Everyone is posting or asking about new year resolutions while I, on the other hand, have nothing in mind as usual. I haven't stopped wondering, is it because I am just simply careless or I really have nothing to ask for?

Well, after thinking hard, I do have one ultimate goal in mind. Other than that, I think life is working fine for me.

I have everything I want. Those I wish I have, I believe they will come to me. Those I cannot have, I won't push it. It's not like I would die without them.

All the things that matter, are that everyone I care are safe & happy, & I am safe & happy. This will be good enough.

Happy New Year, everyone. Whatever that's going to happen, you know you should always live your day to the fullest. Be a better person this year. You can still curse all you want but be nice to people ya. Love.

Another Christmas

Without being at home, Christmas just gets more meaningless every year & I'm nearing to not feeling anything anymore. The only unchanged thing is I still feel unnamed anger when the non Christians publish their wishlist all over their social networks. The true meaning & essence of Christmas has been twisted.


It's just so stupid. People give reason to shop for Christmas, then they have Christmas special speed dating. Christmas sales & offers, that, I get it. And also people feel extra lonely & depressed when they're alone on this day.


Gosh, come on, for you non Christians, it's just another Public Holiday. Stop dropping the pathetic bomb. Grow up please, whatever age you are.


I spent this Christmas early morning in church. And even in church, it's just another service. Nothing special. Everyone was the same. No one is extra friendly or extra joyful. Maybe this is the disease that every citizen in big city has. Someone said that I chose the wrong church to go to. No comment on that.


So, during this festival, I miss home sorely. & I promised myself hard that next year I'll go home for Christmas & Thanksgiving.


Well, I'm sure everyone had fun this Christmas? How was your Christmas shopping?

Another Reunion

Dad, mum & sis just came & left last week. Had been looking forward till I couldn't sleep the night before meeting them.
Took a week leave to go to dad's neck of the woods.
Hadn't been there for 2 - 3 years, I think. Things are more or less the same in the town area.
How weird it is that when I go back with my family, it looks like a town that I'm familiar with.
The roads, the landmarks & all.
But when I go with boyfie & family, it feels like a totally different place. As if I've never been there in my whole life.
Went for the my favourite local dishes. Galloped a glass of old town white coffee & got myself a 3-day stomach ache for that. Yes, I'm coffee intolerant. Not caffeine; I love tea. Hmm, as much as I appreciated it, it's still not worth the torture.
It's not many drops of enzymes or propolis could really help.


Dad went for high school reunion for the 1st time of his life after 30 years.
He came back around 2 a.m. It's not a regular thing, okay.
Everyone was going to sleep. So, I offered to wait for him because we didn't have spare keys for the house. Couldn't sleep in peace till he got back.
You can't be too careful.
After all, these are people you've not met for 30 years.
One day, someone just found you on Netlog & said he's your schoolmate.
They can be anyone they say they are.
But I admit I was amusingly paranoid.
Didn't tell anyone though.


The following day, dad's childhood friend, Uncle Tai took the liberty to bring us around the whole day. Breakfast, coffee break, then his neighbourhood tour. After picking us up from the mall, he decided to drive us to Kampar to pay my brother a surprise visit.
So, off we went & he was surprised. Happy to see us, sad to leave us even though he knows he's going to see us again in a while when he's going back for semester break.
Forever an emo boy!


One of the things that I really would like to shout out to humans is Stop thinking Money is more precious than Time.
I didn't realise since when I've been holding to this motto, but I'm a strong believer.
I will not line up for anything if it's going to be more than 15 minutes. Half an hour if I'm in good mood.
Queueing up for food, big bang sales, etc. is not worth any minute of my time at all.
No food has made me feel I don't mind waiting for it.
I will wait for books & people. Not free gifts or buy one free one promotion.
Believe me, I am very patient when it comes to waiting.
All thanks to my dad who always forgot to pick me up from school or tuition.
Given that there was no spare of mobile from my dad, I learned to endure the torture & enjoy the process. I mean the waiting.
Clothes - on the other hand, I would like to stay unclassified.
Of course, it all depends of the degree of likeness & the length of queue.
But in general, I would think that I can always get better ones & nice clothes will never stop being designed. So, why the rush?


When I posted "I use money to buy time", it appeared that everyone thought I spent money for shopping during free time. And I know why is that. I meant, I use money to save time. I would rather pay more to reach my destination than having to wait for an hour for the bus. I would rather go for normal price than having to queue up for some promotions. Of course, if there's no queue, I wouldn't mind. Well, why spend more if you can save? After all, my point is my priority is Time, not Money. It doesn't mean Money is not important to me. But of course, time will come when you have no choice but to choose Money over Time.


I've tendered my resignation last week while I was on leave.
I've been backstabbed for the first time at work. It felt awesome. I was pissed as I didn't like being blamed for something which was not my fault.
After a while, I just left it & didn't give a fuck.
Again, I feel pity for you. Your world can be as tiny as your dick. Or pussy.
If this is the meaning of life to you, I will let you enjoy it. I can only laugh at you, with despise.


Going to enter another phase of life. New job, new environment, I'm still excited.
Hope I won't be polluted by the numbness of the society. Just don't want to end up like any other person with no passion for work or life anymore. Robotic, meaningless life is one of my biggest fear.


I look forward to the new job. I trust things will just get better & better.
I believe in the hands of God, I am sheltered.

Petition. Repetition

I'll tell you I will start blogging more frequent & you know you won't believe me as I won't do that.
Well, noticed Wong Lai Mun said she cannot stop typing. So, I took that as a motivation.
And today, a colleague complimented. So, another motivation. *chortle*
I haven't started taking my migraine prescription.
I'm addicted to Charmed & I can't stop watching it.
Tonight I can't stop typing. It's almost 2100 & I'm still sitting here ever since I came back at 1800.
Off I go. To entertainment. Dinner first.


P/S: Any suggestion on the blog posting frequency? I'm thinking of weekly.

挥散

到目前为止，我一生中只有一个遗憾。
做了最坏的打算。我不会得到解脱。
勇气我没有，他应该也没有。
再怎么肯定自己，他都早就是个陌生人。
回忆有时真的可以谋杀。

Points

Days since last post: 74.
Let me see what I've done in this 2.4 months.
Really can't recall much. Maybe I need to rely on Facebook to trace back my trails of life?
The sky is purple now, gorgeously purple. I presume storm will come later tonight.
Okay, 2.4 months.
Obtained an obsession on a particular dessert.
Shot with a life gun. 25 bullets.
Watched Harry Potter, 7 am Arivu, can't remember the rest.
Lost some old time habits which I'm still having a hard time picking them back up - blogging, articles browsing, reading, bla bla bla.
Did farewell for Mano who went to London to study to be a LAWYER & almost swore he'll never come back if MY politics don't turn better. *eyes rolling* 
At the same time, got closer to Kuga & got to know boyfriend's childhood neighbour who worked in Salmat after I left. Small world! (Though as usual he doesn't remember
Putting in effort to go out with friends more often.
Trying to keep in mind to start Christmas shopping.
Has reassured myself how much I hate office politics & gossips. I just want a peaceful work life. I still have hopes that it's possible, hence I'll keep searching. I know it's not possible to totally cut out, but at least to the least. 
Work pressure doesn't frustrate me, but politics does!
Beginning to like my non-political colleagues.


Maybe my heart & mind will never be set for this type of world. I keep wondering how I will ever get used to all these craps? The reason why I'm so frustrated is there are so many greater concerns in this world, and you fickle-minded people are paying so much attention to these useful shits. Again, you show how worthless & pathetic you are. Not saying you must contribute something to earth or society, but I still believe karma is a bitch when you prove & show to be a despicable person whom no one wishes to respect. Everytime I look at you guys at 1730, I always wonder, by the end of the day, what do you get? By the end of this life, what do you earn?


As for me, at least I've made someone smiled today. I shared joy, I shared knowledge. It's none of my business, but I can't help feeling sorry for you guys.


Ah well, back to updates.


Found a job. Hopefully a rewarding one. Another turning point of my life.
Not sure where it'll lead me. But like everyone says, I still have time to figure out. Young at heart is all you need to be. :)
Well, if my current job proves to be more rewarding & I feel more appreciated from my superior, I would really consider to stay. But I guess, looking at the situation now & I don't think I can make things good again, I see no reason why I shouldn't leave. Boat is sinking & I've heard enough. Even if I didn't, I know this job will take me nowhere as no one is promising you any career prospect anytime soon, because I know what I see & it's not looking good at all. Don't tell me after 15 or 20 years, I can be who, who & who. You know that's not good enough. It's like telling me I'll be stagnant for 15 years. You can tell this to a 40 year-old lady, not to a 20 year-old. Unless I'm someone with no ambitions.


The reason why I can still be tough here is because I don't get influenced by anyone. I mean, influenced to be biased, gang up or turn to be like them.
I hate the persons I hate, I like the persons I like. No one can twist around & tell me otherwise.
I'm still quite bothered by how all of us just stop contacting each other after graduation.
I put effort & it's starting to feel so pointless as no one else is.
I miss so many of you. But I have a feeling you guys just don't give a damn.


Parents are going to be in town next week. Can't wait! Time to go. Till the next post.

Bits

Almost a week since I was back.
Went home for 9 days.
Dad got significantly crankier & forgetful.
I'll try to leave the latter to God & mahjong.
He came for 4 days. With his presence, I felt even more reluctant to leave home.
Especially when he kept praising how great my mum's cooking is & how relaxing my home is, even until now.
Glad to know that he loves my house. After all, it's still the best home on earth.


Okay, I'm experiencing writer's block at the moment.
Sitting in a mamak waiting for him to finish his assignment.


My life has been dull lately.
Don't think about things much ever since I started this job.
Weather is nice today. Attending wedding dinner tomorrow night.
I seldom attend weddings/dinners/ROMs.
I don't like crowds. To be precise, I don't like crowds with a whole bunch of people I don't know in them.


Believe it or not, no matter how friendly I might appear, in many scenarios - especially those you know those people will never be close & it's just a waste of time, I would rather not be in them.


An ex-coursemate gave birth to her baby this weekend. Whatsapped me to check out the pictures. Asked her of the whole process to show concern. It was, of course, & must have been unbearably painful. This is when I don't like my strong imagination.


Okay, got to go. Ciao.

Do You Love Me?

By Hannah Daly

I woke up to app vomit on my wall the other day. Twenty two posts in a row with a nauseating pink gradient filled heart paraded in front of me like a digital attack as I scrolled down. With all the drama surrounding hacking and cyberwarfare as of late, and phrases like the “Pearl Harbor of the digital age” being thrown around, my relationship with the internet is kind of on the rocks. I felt violated by this unwarranted post-a-thon happening under my name. Especially considering, on a public digital surface that calls itself mine, people I know and trust taunt me with answers to intense, personal questions, like:

What was this combination of algorithms that wrote such a strange broken poetry all over my wall, so that everyone could see? I was expected to play a game to unlock the answer to this odd inquiry? The bizarre syntax spit out of some mathematical formula was intimate, familiar, and intrusive. I was posed questions about my identity (is Hannah a terrorist?) and probed into the touchy and complex territory of relationships (do you love Hannah?).

The oddest part, and what made me carefully read through the over twenty similar boxes lining my wall, was the title of this game, or app, or whatever they call it these days:

love

Just four lower case letters, the simplicity of its visual presence ironically butting against an overdetermined connotative weight. Every way the word inserted itself into the blue and white interface was just, well, weird. Kind of mundanely haunting? Irkingly dark? Quietly offensive? I got caught in the simultaneous feeling of banal annoyance, apathetic disturbance, and paralysing intrigue. As a linguaphile and digital addict in general, I was trapped and repulsed by love’s bizarre serenade. I hesitated, soaking in the questions, for almost two and half minutes when I was asked to decide:

What was love trying to tell me? Would I miss it all together if I blocked its advances? Why was my decision about its presence couched in such absolutes: all posts? Was I sure I wanted this? Forever?

It is hard to connect, even though we are hyper-connected, through wires and across clouds. It is hard to see, even though everything is crystal clear HD or coming right at us 3D. It is hard to feel and think, even though information and commentary comes at us at hyper-speed, updated every ten seconds. Who did love really think it was, to dictate the way I deal with unanswerable questions about all those strange and beautiful emotion things? I have trouble saying “I love you” to those that I do, and figuring out how to handle the multi-faceted valences of a sticky, if oh-so-sweet thing, like this particular four letter word takes up a lot of my emotional energy. The mathematically generated questions parading under my digital identity reduced the in-real-life experience of love to box after box of post, to simplylove: a thing to unlock with a few minute twitches of an index finger, a routine series taps on matte black square keys. love managed to erase all the beauty of the real love’s contradictory presence in our lives.

I didn’t want to see more. I made a decision:

With a click, love was forever blocked, but love was not.

Another Death

Just last night, I was talking to Elizabeth, doing some flashbacks of Sidney. 
Just 10 days ago, Evon called to ask about Sidney & we caught up with each other & mentioned about Dennis. 
Just 1 week ago, I bumped into Siew Hon at KJ & mentioned about Dennis. Just because of all these, I've been thinking about those good old days I had with them & thought of him. 
And, this morning, I received a call from Jes telling me he's passed away from car accident.
I started to shiver as I haven't even recovered from what happened to Sidney. Now, this.
I had to recompose my mind & start calling everyone to break the news. 
Elizabeth thought I was joking & of course everyone whom the news was collaterally broken to went into the initial stage of disbelief & denial. 
I had to gather myself to call Evon to check on her. 
Evon was strong, knew she was trying hard to be strong.
Everyone wished this is only a really bad joke, but they knew it's just not.
And then, this memorial groups of Dennis & Sidney were started on FB. And people won't stop posting.
God, I don't want to think that someone closer is going to leave anytime. I don't know why but I know there's a purpose or reason behind all these. But please don't give me another bad news, at least not anytime soon.


I treasure all my friends. Those worth treasuring. I don't want to keep posting RIP on people's walls. Holding back my tears. All these are really heartbreaking.


Dennis, it really doesn't matter how long we've known each other. For all that I'm concerned, I cherish all the times I spent with you guys. Your smile always made me felt so warm. Just like Sidney, everyone of you is special. Unforgettably nice. I never thought work could be so much fun. Rest in peace, my friend. As carved in this post, as how it is in my heart, you'll always be in my memories.