Do You Love Me?

By Hannah Daly

I woke up to app vomit on my wall the other day. Twenty two posts in a row with a nauseating pink gradient filled heart paraded in front of me like a digital attack as I scrolled down. With all the drama surrounding hacking and cyberwarfare as of late, and phrases like the “Pearl Harbor of the digital age” being thrown around, my relationship with the internet is kind of on the rocks. I felt violated by this unwarranted post-a-thon happening under my name. Especially considering, on a public digital surface that calls itself mine, people I know and trust taunt me with answers to intense, personal questions, like:

What was this combination of algorithms that wrote such a strange broken poetry all over my wall, so that everyone could see? I was expected to play a game to unlock the answer to this odd inquiry? The bizarre syntax spit out of some mathematical formula was intimate, familiar, and intrusive. I was posed questions about my identity (is Hannah a terrorist?) and probed into the touchy and complex territory of relationships (do you love Hannah?).

The oddest part, and what made me carefully read through the over twenty similar boxes lining my wall, was the title of this game, or app, or whatever they call it these days:

love

Just four lower case letters, the simplicity of its visual presence ironically butting against an overdetermined connotative weight. Every way the word inserted itself into the blue and white interface was just, well, weird. Kind of mundanely haunting? Irkingly dark? Quietly offensive? I got caught in the simultaneous feeling of banal annoyance, apathetic disturbance, and paralysing intrigue. As a linguaphile and digital addict in general, I was trapped and repulsed by love’s bizarre serenade. I hesitated, soaking in the questions, for almost two and half minutes when I was asked to decide:

What was love trying to tell me? Would I miss it all together if I blocked its advances? Why was my decision about its presence couched in such absolutes: all posts? Was I sure I wanted this? Forever?

It is hard to connect, even though we are hyper-connected, through wires and across clouds. It is hard to see, even though everything is crystal clear HD or coming right at us 3D. It is hard to feel and think, even though information and commentary comes at us at hyper-speed, updated every ten seconds. Who did love really think it was, to dictate the way I deal with unanswerable questions about all those strange and beautiful emotion things? I have trouble saying “I love you” to those that I do, and figuring out how to handle the multi-faceted valences of a sticky, if oh-so-sweet thing, like this particular four letter word takes up a lot of my emotional energy. The mathematically generated questions parading under my digital identity reduced the in-real-life experience of love to box after box of post, to simplylove: a thing to unlock with a few minute twitches of an index finger, a routine series taps on matte black square keys. love managed to erase all the beauty of the real love’s contradictory presence in our lives.

I didn’t want to see more. I made a decision:

With a click, love was forever blocked, but love was not.

Another Death

Just last night, I was talking to Elizabeth, doing some flashbacks of Sidney. 
Just 10 days ago, Evon called to ask about Sidney & we caught up with each other & mentioned about Dennis. 
Just 1 week ago, I bumped into Siew Hon at KJ & mentioned about Dennis. Just because of all these, I've been thinking about those good old days I had with them & thought of him. 
And, this morning, I received a call from Jes telling me he's passed away from car accident.
I started to shiver as I haven't even recovered from what happened to Sidney. Now, this.
I had to recompose my mind & start calling everyone to break the news. 
Elizabeth thought I was joking & of course everyone whom the news was collaterally broken to went into the initial stage of disbelief & denial. 
I had to gather myself to call Evon to check on her. 
Evon was strong, knew she was trying hard to be strong.
Everyone wished this is only a really bad joke, but they knew it's just not.
And then, this memorial groups of Dennis & Sidney were started on FB. And people won't stop posting.
God, I don't want to think that someone closer is going to leave anytime. I don't know why but I know there's a purpose or reason behind all these. But please don't give me another bad news, at least not anytime soon.


I treasure all my friends. Those worth treasuring. I don't want to keep posting RIP on people's walls. Holding back my tears. All these are really heartbreaking.


Dennis, it really doesn't matter how long we've known each other. For all that I'm concerned, I cherish all the times I spent with you guys. Your smile always made me felt so warm. Just like Sidney, everyone of you is special. Unforgettably nice. I never thought work could be so much fun. Rest in peace, my friend. As carved in this post, as how it is in my heart, you'll always be in my memories.

Overwhelming Thoughts

Had migraine early this evening. The type you would feel nausea but puke nothing. The serious type that lasts very long & 4 Panadols cannot ease.

I am a bit stressed at work. Things I don't know how to settle. & I'm in another phase where I'm emo.

Sidney, I cannot bear to look at your photos anymore for the time being. I miss you a lot. Miss waiting for you at Asia Jaya & walking to office with you, miss buying breakfast with you. Miss you telling me "You know what, Lynda. Fuck it, just do whatever you want. Why do you care about anything people say, anyway?" & "My god, can you just make up your mind already?" Miss you trying so hard to annoy me, miss you pulling Elizabeth out from doing stupid stuffs. Really miss you calling me shortie. Miss your confidence, miss your "Don't give a damn" attitude.

It's just too hard to find colleagues that can be your friends & who accept you for who you are instead of bitching about you in front or at your back. Don't give me all those shit like, just because you're teasing or criticising in front of me, that gives you all the freedom to say whatever you like about me, bitch.

Called Elizabeth, did some memories recall about Sidney. Then, Jeff called. Caught up with each other's life. It's just very mysterious & surprising ways God works. Never expected he would call all of a sudden. We should do this more often kay.

Tonight has been a strange night & a good night. I guess I would try to ignore the person who asked me something really odd if I didn't take the cue wrongly. Hopefully I was wrong. He was an ex colleague. I wonder what's his deal. Nah, none of my business.

Elizabeth! How I wish I could tag you in Blogger as well. Write the letters I asked you to. I would myself generate a list of recipients. No regrets!

A Longer Weekend

When all anticipated that there would be a huge jam on Friday night, I was in the office, waiting to be picked up & spending time to complete some extra tasks.

Woke up at 10 a.m. the next morning. As far as I was concerned, though I had really no mood to especially care much about the updates, it was not like any other Saturday though I was not in the city centre. The boyfriend has joined a BB group chat, Star Bersih or something. Updates were instant, live.

I thought of giving some own thoughts on this. But I am really not in the state to comment on this & I don't even want to click on any links to watch the videos. It already feels sad enough. Okay, period.


Witnessed an engagement ceremony today. Never attended one before.
Took a day leave for this. How nice to have Monday off. Though it's not that I suffer from Monday blue.


Congratulations on the new couple! May Love be the motivation of your marriage & may nothing stops you from keep loving each other. Nights, everyone~

Long Gone

I'm back, after exactly 2 months. Had to refresh my mind on what font I have been using.
Done nothing exciting lately.
Just movies, TV series, sleep, chats, apps, articles. Lots of them.
Goosh, I don't know where to start.


Last weekend was the worst weekend this year & last year.
It's funny how you never get those "The Worst Day of My Life" shit anymore as you grow up.
Guess it's nice to get them once in a while.
Our food didn't come, he had to call the supervisor because we've asked for our food 3 times but no one got back to us.
Didn't have a satisfying Friday after work dinner.
Gone for Transformers on Saturday night. Showtime got delayed by half an hour (Definitely not something GSC would do).


Some parents these days are totally uncivilised & idiotic.
Bringing months old baby to watch Transformers? And what? Expecting it not to cry at the first 5 minutes? What the heck??!
Letting the sons shout through the whole movie without stopping them?
Not switching off the mobile no matter how many times it has rung?
Anyway, I still managed to enjoy the movie, believe it or not.


Later that night, Elizabeth whataspped me, telling me that Sidney has passed away that evening.
I'm still in disbelief now. & his cause of death is still a myth. Depression, brain tumour, some virus attack.
You know, it's really hard to make colleagues your friends. Whom you actually interact a lot outside work life & constantly catch up with each other, for of course, a period of time.


Sidney, I've missed you. I should have called when I had that thought in mind.
I don't know what happened but I prayed that you're in better place.
He's a special guy. I don't think I'll ever meet someone like him, or even close to him.
He's always so strong opinionated & telling you that you've done absolutely the right thing when you're not sure. 
We used to walk to work together, buy breakfast together.
Miss you calling me shortie, with your Brit accent.


Everytime this thing with friends dying happens, it serves a greater purpose to just keep reminding you that you have to treasure people around you more.
Show affection, show care, show who you really are & those who don't accept you, screw them.
While I'm stuck with my job, it makes me appreciate my Salmatians more.
The main reason why I think my job is crappy is all these crappy people with no life. I'm a people person (don't take it in the sense that I'm trying to say I'm friendly). What I'm trying to say is I don't like when my colleagues keep playing politics & nag like 40 year old housewives. Anyway, I've come to a point where I have, most of the time, accepted that they are just too pathetic that they have nothing better to do than picking on people.
Therefore, it just keeps knocking me in my head that I have to be different. From them.
Once it hits 5:30 pm, they are out of my sight & mind.


Okay, back to friend stuffs.
I've made it a habit especially ever since I've graduated that whenever I'm free & in the mood, I'll browse through my phones to look for a friend to call & catch up with. I want to stay in touch & not lose the friendships we've created. Right, Basil? So that there will be no regrets. 


Of course, you will still not be able to avoid lines like "I wished I was a better friend." You would never be up to your standard because you'll keep asking yourself why I didn't do this when someone is gone.


So, to those people who stop answering my calls, actually there's just this one person, I would like to let you know that, I've been missing you. I would still call you one of these days & I don't know why you suddenly decided to vanish yourself. But I might give up hope one day.
So, if you want to continue doing this, that's fine with me.


Good night, peeps! To no regrets, max, cheers!