How Well Do I Know Myself?

I have been wanting to do this for the longest time. To be able to define everything about myself, at least I could try.

Name: As given

Nicks: I would rather not say. I still do not enjoy being teased.

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual with Bi-Curious

bits of thoughts

I'm so tired.

I have not been able to sleep well for at least 8 months now.

I keep feeling the urge to avoid things or people who give me heartaches.

But I have to face them. It is so painful.

I ask myself everyday, what am I doing?

What makes me tick? Why am I still fighting? What are I fighting for?

I have lost everything in life.

Lost the purpose.

Lost the motivation.

I feel I'm going mad.

Lots of shouting inside but unable to release.

I realised

I'm nothing after I leave that life.

Bits of Thoughts

How do you forget & let go?

A person who once professed love, called you wife, called you family. Then, took away your youth, ruined your life, your family, said the most hurting things to you and your daughter. Daughter was too young to remember anything but I remember every single word uttered from his mouth.

You just can't brain this. Can't understand why he would say such things. And now he conveniently forgot everything he did, carrying on with his life, like nothing happened. Still calls you family but shows nothing of such. All bull.

They say karma will do the job. Can it come sooner?

Disclaimer

Just in case.

I would like to clarify that whatever I write here in my blog is my own feelings & thoughts. You may not agree with them, but they are valid and true to me.

It is not my intention to harm or hurt anyone along my journaling journey of self healing. It is my freedom, my choice to write here.

I do not hope that you can accept, but I hope that you can understand. Be a human. Be a human with heart.

Thank you.

Embracing Courage

I often ask myself, why do I have to blog, publish online, for no one to see? Because I don't share this blog link with anyone.

Then, why don't I just do it the conventional way - writing it down in a lovely book?

Then, I ask myself, why do I need to have answers to everything? Why can't I just feel like doing it?

This month marks the third year since the incident. My feelings have been a roller-coaster, a chaotic cycle. Memories and scenes replay over & over again during innumerable breakdown episodes. Sometimes, full with tears; sometimes, full with angst. Most of the time, just quiet inside thoughts. All of the time, sleepless nights.

I ought to celebrate I have come so far? A world-crumbling earthquake I thought I wouldn't survive three years ago yet here I am. Not in the best form, but then I believe the best is yet to come.

Today, I have finally submitted the divorce documents. In the lawfirm website, it says "Goodbye Old Life. Hello New Life." I suppose it's meant to bring positivity, but somehow I felt cynical. 

The past few days, I have been struggling emotionally, asking myself why I'm still hanging on to a person whose heart clearly does not belong to me anymore, or most likely, never did. Being delusional and going all out analysing every reaction, behaviour and lines. Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of all these unending deduction. Bottom line, I still find myself angry, plus all the ill thoughts of all the possible mishaps which I wish will befall onto those who wrong me. 

I had to break myself out of that thought cycle, and hence, today's actions. It was painful still but necessary. It felt right to do. I kept telling myself, it's a very simple procedure. Just few documents, some information fill-ins, and we are set to go. After the submission was done, I informed him, with tears rolling down.

These 3 years, every choice & action signifies courage for me. Every decision I made & make is painful yet necessary. I often question if I made the right choice, the only worry is if I have made the best choice for Esha's sake, for her wellbeing. I was convinced that I did. And the cause & consequence were out of my hands. I was merely making the best out of what I could at that moment.

Moving forward, I just have to focus on myself & Esha. And that's all that matters. I might not be perfect, but I will do my best.

Realisation & Reborn

We started dating since I was 19, I spent 14 years with a man, with the last year full of misery & will to end my life, who chose someone over me when there was temptations, doubts and unhappiness. Twice. A pattern that I should have recognised sooner. Yet I went ahead to marry him.

And I thought, there was still love. Looking back, after the whole event, I realised it was not love at all.

Signs that I failed to see, patterns that I was too blind to notice. Missing earrings and sweater that he hated, my library of books which were thrown away when I was heavily pregnant. I can still remember all these incidents so lucidly. Words that he said, time of the day, venue. 

And suddenly, after all that has happened, I come to realisation, connecting every single dots to way back when I was 19, to what has become of today; binding every detail to as far as I can remember as a child, to what has become of me today; and it all makes sense instantly. All of these have forced me to rethink everything through, recall every incident, question everything.

It felt like opening a Pandora's box, and all the emotions & realisation wouldn't stop. It was too much to bear, so I closed the box. Force close.

Then, my body started to get ill. I realised that I have the greatest willpower of self-hypnotise. I was programmed to believe and persuade myself that everything was alright. I am still trying to trace back when it started but the memory is clouded. I got ill when the hypnotising didn't work anymore and my mind got overloaded.

19 is a very young age. To be honest, I feel fucking stupid. While everyone was out there clearly knew what they wanted or at least I think they did, I was blinded by love. Or even if they didn't, at least they waited. Waited to be sure. Waited to figure things out. And I was so simple minded. Thought that was it I could ask for in life. That I would be contented.

And now, I am at my mid thirties, feeling that I didn't live my life all these years, I could feel I'm 19 again. My freedom taken away from me all these years, a prisoner. Not knowing what I want, what I could want, what I could achieve. It is scary. These 3 years, I have met many many people, of different stories and backgrounds. I realised the possibilities are unbelievably limitless and unimaginable. 

I realised the world is so big and what happened to me, yes it is heartbreaking as what I feel is valid to myself. But I am grateful it happened at this point of life, so I am given a chance to live again. With my own freewill. It is scary because I have not tasted freedom, I do not know and dare to step out. Still refrained but I have also achieved milestones. Baby steps.

I often wonder, how some people figure out what they want in life, how they set boundaries, how they know to maintain a healthy relationship, to find the right one, to know when it's not.

And now, what can I do to ensure the same for my girl.