bits of thoughts

I'm so tired.

I have not been able to sleep well for at least 8 months now.

I keep feeling the urge to avoid things or people who give me heartaches.

But I have to face them. It is so painful.

I ask myself everyday, what am I doing?

What makes me tick? Why am I still fighting? What are I fighting for?

I have lost everything in life.

Lost the purpose.

Lost the motivation.

I feel I'm going mad.

Lots of shouting inside but unable to release.

I realised

I'm nothing after I leave that life.

Bits of Thoughts

How do you forget & let go?

A person who once professed love, called you wife, called you family. Then, took away your youth, ruined your life, your family, said the most hurting things to you and your daughter. Daughter was too young to remember anything but I remember every single word uttered from his mouth.

You just can't brain this. Can't understand why he would say such things. And now he conveniently forgot everything he did, carrying on with his life, like nothing happened. Still calls you family but shows nothing of such. All bull.

They say karma will do the job. Can it come sooner?

Disclaimer

Just in case.

I would like to clarify that whatever I write here in my blog is my own feelings & thoughts. You may not agree with them, but they are valid and true to me.

It is not my intention to harm or hurt anyone along my journaling journey of self healing. It is my freedom, my choice to write here.

I do not hope that you can accept, but I hope that you can understand. Be a human. Be a human with heart.

Thank you.

Embracing Courage

I often ask myself, why do I have to blog, publish online, for no one to see? Because I don't share this blog link with anyone.

Then, why don't I just do it the conventional way - writing it down in a lovely book?

Then, I ask myself, why do I need to have answers to everything? Why can't I just feel like doing it?

This month marks the third year since the incident. My feelings have been a roller-coaster, a chaotic cycle. Memories and scenes replay over & over again during innumerable breakdown episodes. Sometimes, full with tears; sometimes, full with angst. Most of the time, just quiet inside thoughts. All of the time, sleepless nights.

I ought to celebrate I have come so far? A world-crumbling earthquake I thought I wouldn't survive three years ago yet here I am. Not in the best form, but then I believe the best is yet to come.

Today, I have finally submitted the divorce documents. In the lawfirm website, it says "Goodbye Old Life. Hello New Life." I suppose it's meant to bring positivity, but somehow I felt cynical. 

The past few days, I have been struggling emotionally, asking myself why I'm still hanging on to a person whose heart clearly does not belong to me anymore, or most likely, never did. Being delusional and going all out analysing every reaction, behaviour and lines. Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of all these unending deduction. Bottom line, I still find myself angry, plus all the ill thoughts of all the possible mishaps which I wish will befall onto those who wrong me. 

I had to break myself out of that thought cycle, and hence, today's actions. It was painful still but necessary. It felt right to do. I kept telling myself, it's a very simple procedure. Just few documents, some information fill-ins, and we are set to go. After the submission was done, I informed him, with tears rolling down.

These 3 years, every choice & action signifies courage for me. Every decision I made & make is painful yet necessary. I often question if I made the right choice, the only worry is if I have made the best choice for Esha's sake, for her wellbeing. I was convinced that I did. And the cause & consequence were out of my hands. I was merely making the best out of what I could at that moment.

Moving forward, I just have to focus on myself & Esha. And that's all that matters. I might not be perfect, but I will do my best.