How Well Do I Know Myself?

I have been wanting to do this for the longest time. To be able to define everything about myself, at least I could try.

Name: As given

Nicks: I would rather not say. I still do not enjoy being teased.

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual with Bi-Curious

bits of thoughts

I'm so tired.

I have not been able to sleep well for at least 8 months now.

I keep feeling the urge to avoid things or people who give me heartaches.

But I have to face them. It is so painful.

I ask myself everyday, what am I doing?

What makes me tick? Why am I still fighting? What are I fighting for?

I have lost everything in life.

Lost the purpose.

Lost the motivation.

I feel I'm going mad.

Lots of shouting inside but unable to release.

I realised

I'm nothing after I leave that life.

Bits of Thoughts

How do you forget & let go?

A person who once professed love, called you wife, called you family. Then, took away your youth, ruined your life, your family, said the most hurting things to you and your daughter. Daughter was too young to remember anything but I remember every single word uttered from his mouth.

You just can't brain this. Can't understand why he would say such things. And now he conveniently forgot everything he did, carrying on with his life, like nothing happened. Still calls you family but shows nothing of such. All bull.

They say karma will do the job. Can it come sooner?

Disclaimer

Just in case.

I would like to clarify that whatever I write here in my blog is my own feelings & thoughts. You may not agree with them, but they are valid and true to me.

It is not my intention to harm or hurt anyone along my journaling journey of self healing. It is my freedom, my choice to write here.

I do not hope that you can accept, but I hope that you can understand. Be a human. Be a human with heart.

Thank you.

Embracing Courage

I often ask myself, why do I have to blog, publish online, for no one to see? Because I don't share this blog link with anyone.

Then, why don't I just do it the conventional way - writing it down in a lovely book?

Then, I ask myself, why do I need to have answers to everything? Why can't I just feel like doing it?

This month marks the third year since the incident. My feelings have been a roller-coaster, a chaotic cycle. Memories and scenes replay over & over again during innumerable breakdown episodes. Sometimes, full with tears; sometimes, full with angst. Most of the time, just quiet inside thoughts. All of the time, sleepless nights.

I ought to celebrate I have come so far? A world-crumbling earthquake I thought I wouldn't survive three years ago yet here I am. Not in the best form, but then I believe the best is yet to come.

Today, I have finally submitted the divorce documents. In the lawfirm website, it says "Goodbye Old Life. Hello New Life." I suppose it's meant to bring positivity, but somehow I felt cynical. 

The past few days, I have been struggling emotionally, asking myself why I'm still hanging on to a person whose heart clearly does not belong to me anymore, or most likely, never did. Being delusional and going all out analysing every reaction, behaviour and lines. Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of all these unending deduction. Bottom line, I still find myself angry, plus all the ill thoughts of all the possible mishaps which I wish will befall onto those who wrong me. 

I had to break myself out of that thought cycle, and hence, today's actions. It was painful still but necessary. It felt right to do. I kept telling myself, it's a very simple procedure. Just few documents, some information fill-ins, and we are set to go. After the submission was done, I informed him, with tears rolling down.

These 3 years, every choice & action signifies courage for me. Every decision I made & make is painful yet necessary. I often question if I made the right choice, the only worry is if I have made the best choice for Esha's sake, for her wellbeing. I was convinced that I did. And the cause & consequence were out of my hands. I was merely making the best out of what I could at that moment.

Moving forward, I just have to focus on myself & Esha. And that's all that matters. I might not be perfect, but I will do my best.

Realisation & Reborn

We started dating since I was 19, I spent 14 years with a man, with the last year full of misery & will to end my life, who chose someone over me when there was temptations, doubts and unhappiness. Twice. A pattern that I should have recognised sooner. Yet I went ahead to marry him.

And I thought, there was still love. Looking back, after the whole event, I realised it was not love at all.

Signs that I failed to see, patterns that I was too blind to notice. Missing earrings and sweater that he hated, my library of books which were thrown away when I was heavily pregnant. I can still remember all these incidents so lucidly. Words that he said, time of the day, venue. 

And suddenly, after all that has happened, I come to realisation, connecting every single dots to way back when I was 19, to what has become of today; binding every detail to as far as I can remember as a child, to what has become of me today; and it all makes sense instantly. All of these have forced me to rethink everything through, recall every incident, question everything.

It felt like opening a Pandora's box, and all the emotions & realisation wouldn't stop. It was too much to bear, so I closed the box. Force close.

Then, my body started to get ill. I realised that I have the greatest willpower of self-hypnotise. I was programmed to believe and persuade myself that everything was alright. I am still trying to trace back when it started but the memory is clouded. I got ill when the hypnotising didn't work anymore and my mind got overloaded.

19 is a very young age. To be honest, I feel fucking stupid. While everyone was out there clearly knew what they wanted or at least I think they did, I was blinded by love. Or even if they didn't, at least they waited. Waited to be sure. Waited to figure things out. And I was so simple minded. Thought that was it I could ask for in life. That I would be contented.

And now, I am at my mid thirties, feeling that I didn't live my life all these years, I could feel I'm 19 again. My freedom taken away from me all these years, a prisoner. Not knowing what I want, what I could want, what I could achieve. It is scary. These 3 years, I have met many many people, of different stories and backgrounds. I realised the possibilities are unbelievably limitless and unimaginable. 

I realised the world is so big and what happened to me, yes it is heartbreaking as what I feel is valid to myself. But I am grateful it happened at this point of life, so I am given a chance to live again. With my own freewill. It is scary because I have not tasted freedom, I do not know and dare to step out. Still refrained but I have also achieved milestones. Baby steps.

I often wonder, how some people figure out what they want in life, how they set boundaries, how they know to maintain a healthy relationship, to find the right one, to know when it's not.

And now, what can I do to ensure the same for my girl.

What is Love?

The ultimate question, the lamest question.

The most important thing in life is Love - from the day you are born, everything starts with Love. From the first time your parents lay eyes on you, to the deep glance your partner gives you during your last breathe. It's all Love.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 4:8

Let all that you do be done with love. - 1 Corinthians 16:14

He asked me years back, if I would still love him if he was crippled, his face distorted.

For centuries, countless rules have been applied to Love - how you should love, how you should not love. 

People apply social norms & unspoken general rules for the definition & act of Love.

Then everyone sets own conditions for their version of Love.

It requires right timing, right person, right place. Man should love woman more than woman loves man. Love can turn to hate & vengeance; love can be deteriorating. Love knows no boundaries & some can commit crime for their loved ones. Some found themselves in love, some lost themselves in love.

Some can tolerate their husband to have few wives, but never the way around.

Love is never unconditional except the love for your kids. You will do anything for your kids but not expecting anything in return. 

Sometimes, things need to happen for you to realise your true feelings. Sometimes, it takes time. Sometimes, it's too late.

I didn't know how to love before, I know it means I didn't love the person enough.

I realised my version of love is patient, tolerating & forgiving. I thought if I love the person enough, he will know through all my big & small acts. Unfortunately that's not the case. 

I thought, though I am not happy with him, as long as I love him, I will tolerate his flaws too, so it's okay. I will accept him for who he is, I will not complain. As long as he stays loyal to me, as long as his heart is still with me, that's enough. But that's not the case.

So, we love the wrong way. We love in different ways. Then you realise, Love actually can die.

Love these days won't last, it's not like during our parents' generation. So, the definition of love changes through generation. It's just ridiculous. What are wedding vows for? What are marriage promises for?

No more such thing as growing old together. So, am I the naïve one for still believing in this?

People our generation don't fix things, we just throw things away.

Then, the person being left behind will stop believing in Love. So, we start to go against nature, that we humans don't need companion. We will change our definition of Love again, that we will just love our own selves. That will do.

So, what should I believe now? What kind of Love should I hold on to now? So I won't get hurt anymore.

Lastly, would like to share one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors - 

Dance like nobody's watching; Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth. - Mark Twain

So, what do you want from Love?

When You Have Too Much to Lose

年过三十，我还是那个长不大的女孩。就是任性地想做，也只做自己喜欢做的事。

如果我无家室甚至单身，那我就可以事无忌惮。
我还是喜欢活在当下，想刺激开心就够。不用想我老了会怎样，觉得自己会活到90岁而做出退休安排。
我真的这么不负责任吗? 最近透不过气，什么都不想理。想逃脱，想休息。不甘于现况，但我又能怎样?
感觉自己很自私，自我中心，但我真的不想就这样一辈子。
我真的没有爱了吗? 只爱自己，谁都不爱。

像我这样的人，真的不应该结婚生子。我承认我根本不喜欢受束缚，爱不羁，为所欲为。

我最想活在维多利亚时代，做个放荡泛滥的诗人，喝酒写名作。或有个爱刺激的爱人，陪他闯荡看世界，轰轰烈烈地活一场。这辈子也够了。

但我有负担了，不能任性，太多东西无法失去。要时间想通。

Of Property, Defects & Work

I have left another property related job from a local PLC. And I tell myself, no more property. Stressful job, not being appreciated. Just think about mall management & you will know. The areas of coverage are so wide yet detailed. It's always fun to learn about buildings, you just have to see everything in a logical way. But because people's brains these days are so defective, they turn out to be the hardest to deal with.

I am always grateful of the people I meet, good or bad. & culture is a scary thing, it can just eat you up & make you think that whatever you do is right.

So if your company breeds a bad work culture, you will have no choice but to adapt. These are the times you have to bow to reality & know that you can't make a difference. It took me some time to get used to it as in my previous job, I was entitled to so many privileges I felt I was powerful. & I knew I could make things better or at least have the chance to try. It's amazing how life changing events change who you are that what you have been pursuing is no longer your priority, such as having a baby. That all of a sudden, I didn't want to be iron lady anymore. I just want to be a mother.

That is not a defect. Just my chip has been changed. Upgraded.

Things That Make You Doubt What You Have Been Taught Your Whole Life

Saw this on Facebook the other day & as being sentimental as I can be, I cried.

Growing up as a Christian, you were being taught that being homosexual & enslaved to sexual activities are morally & religiously wrong. This goes back to the infamous bible story of The Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah which you will know if you were a Christian baby.

The world has not changed after the event. The history will repeat itself & the world will not stop evolving. Now some cities are trying to legalise these acts and many are beginning to accept this new type of relationship. Going against my religion, I have attempted to understand, rationalise & empathise this practice. Some say they are born this way by nature, some say they just can't help it, some say they're trapped in a wrong body, & some choose to transform to a body they feel right & comfortable living in.

As homophobic as some people around me are, I am not. Though I have Christian gay friends, I still choose to respect their freewill & decisions. Maybe I am not strong enough of my religion or do not have enough religious knowledge to believe this is wrong.

But I really wonder. What makes them any different? Because it's against nature that their coitus do not include producing babies. But they love, get hurt & make earnings, just like the rest of us.

If you have been doubting like me, watch this video & see if it changes your mind. I have yet to watch the whole movie. But this clip has made an impact on me deeply.

If they live their lives normally, just like the rest of us, they should be getting the same equal respect from everyone too. They want kids, they adopt orphans, then aren't they doing good deeds too?

Can I tell God things have changed & even if they are gay, they can still love God the same?

A New Life

It was Boxing Day that I got admitted for the first time in my life due to some unexplained rashes on my limps that cause infinite feeling of itching. The only most logic reason was different blood type of mine & him due to my pregnancy.

After couple days of boredom & torture, my scheduled c-sec has come & on 30th Dec 2014 at 3:09 pm, our precious little girl was born at 3.74 kg & 54 cm. It was a quick surgery, kind of scary during the beginning but I prayed as hard as I could & managed to pull it through.

I almost cried when I saw her for the first time but was holding back. It's really overwhelming as she's so beautiful I couldn't believe it happened.

It's our anniversary today and she's 1 day shy to 2-week old. 8 years of sailing & now with our new family member, we cherish each other more.

He's been wonderful & perfect that I won't trade anything or anyone in this world for him. He's been supportive, straining himself to settle & buy stuffs during the first week of my confinement. I have never seen him like this & would never believe he could put up with all these things if I didn't see with my own eyes.

I have been having emotional breakdowns due to absence of parents as I delivered earlier than my due date & they've already got their tickets booked for a later date. He has always been there to comfort me, try his best to make me feel better. He was so worried that I would go under depression, plus our confinement lady has been such a pain in the ass.

It's at this time that I'm most sure than ever that I am nobody without him.

Happy anniversary, Honey. Love you always.

My Boss

I don't really remember when I went for interview for my current job. I only remember the first time I met him. His reactions & expressions told me that he was not convinced I could do the job. Well, in the end, it really took them a while to contact me to say that I got the job, hence I even forgot that I went for this interview.

Before this job, I have never really have an actual superior that I need to report to. As being so inexperienced, I know he was very skeptical to trust me to do anything. But he trained me well by giving bit by bit of tasks. I still remember after around half a year, he told me that he actually didn't want to take me in the first place. Then, I asked him if he would regret by doing so. He answered, "yea, a bit lo."

He was so cool & I didn't dare to speak to him much, but I had no choice because I report to him, the then Director of Operations. I asked my colleague & slowly got to know him & his working style. My colleague told me that he's actually not hard to please as long as I do my job. Well, that's actually the matter of fact.

Gradually, I began to gain his trust & he started to give me more responsibilities. Projects to handle, difficult tasks to complete. He is a perfectionist & workaholic. The amount of pressure he gave is not something everyone can take. Receiving midnight essay-like texts & weekend calls from him were routine; so are scolding from him.

But for me, I always see these as motivation for me to perform better. Somehow, I enjoy being scolded & lectured by him. I always felt bad when he shouted at me, because I knew he believed that I could do more & much better than I have. He gave me the momentum to push myself to higher limits & made me confident that I could actually do much better.

No matter how busy he is, he never failed to guide me whenever I needed his help, even though it could be the most petite things I asked. He would give me life advice, he never stinge on knowledge. Even when it's not my field of expertise, if I ask & am willing to learn, he would teach & explain to me from head to toe until I understand the whole thing.

The way he jokes in the most subtle yet hilarious way always make my day. Unexpected actions & lines that come out from him always surprise me & make me burst into laughter. Throughout these 2 years working for him, our relationship I believe has gone beyond just boss & employee. I see him as my mentor & father. The way he always protects & cares for us is indirect yet obvious. I really don't understand who will ever want to harm him & bring him down. I would anytime let him take credit for my works because I would not know how to do them without him teaching me. He could always come up with the most creative & amazing methods to teach us & make us remember what he has taught us.

I appreciate all the things he has done for us, all the efforts he has put for the company. Now he has decided to take a break. Though utmost sad, I have to start accepting the fact.

Come to think about it, he has started preparing us to be independent & get used to him not being around for the past couple of months. Without knowing what was happening, I just thought that he got tired of his job & wished to call in an early retirement. Of course, at his age, he knows that nothing can't be beaten by Time & we will definitely & eventually get used to him not being around anymore.

Now that it's official, I don't know how I can adjust to him not being there for me anymore. Covering my ass all the time, protecting me like a father. For a busy man like him, I never expected that he actually remembered & took the effort to buy thumb drives for us because Emily & I kept telling him that our thumb drives have gone missing. Though he got us all same colour, I will not borrow it to anyone because this is how much I cherish & appreciate the effort he took to get it for me. I felt so sweet when he came to give me the thumb drive & told me not to lose it. I want others to be jealous of me because I had the chance to be taught & guided by the greatest boss I have ever known. I tell all my staffs that you are the best boss ever. When I got to know your birthday this year, I was really excited & told myself we must plan a surprise for you even though I know you don't like it. I have marked your birthday in my calendar with no end date, but looks like we will not be able to celebrate your birthday next year.

I don't know who I can go bug later on whenever I feel bored. His room will be empty starting next month. I can no longer tell him to stop eating so much sweet stuffs. I can no longer receive intercom calls from him anymore. I can no longer look forward to seeing him every morning & greet him morning. I can no longer ask him if he misses me after I have gone for vacation. I can no longer hear him making fun & mocking me about how messy my table is & how annoying & noisy I am. 

I really miss those times that you would bring me anywhere you go for inspection in units, go see owners, site visits, inspection during constructions, walkabouts & experiments we do for preventive causes. Also, all those times that we argue due to different opinions & you will always let me go for trial & error & learn things the hard way. You were never afraid to admit you're wrong if I manage to prove it. From here, you have taught me humility that I will admit my mistakes wholeheartedly as well. He is so humble & listening all the time. He always gives me opportunity to give suggestions & if it's feasible, I can actually do it. He will only stop me when he is confident his way is the only & best solution. & I can tell you, he has never been wrong! & I know & trust him 200%, whatever he decides, there must be a solid good reason behind it & I will have absolutely no doubt about it.

He has never made it easy for us to take leave. It's never successful with first attempt. I know he will approve it eventually but from here, I learned that with the power he has given me, I have bigger responsibilities that taking leave just like that will affect many things. So when 2 days ago, he just signed my leave application without seeing when I am actually going on leave, it made me feel really sad. He used to mark his calendar whenever I was going on leave & everytime when I went on vacation, I would still receive texts or calls from him. But not this time, not my most recent Krabi trip.

Just this week Monday, I bought McD breakfast & the set came with coffee. Knowing that he likes to drink coffee all the time, I purposely kept it on his table with packets of cream & sugar just the way he likes it. I waited for him to come in, but he didn't turn up for the whole day. I started to wonder if he was on leave & feel sad that he no longer let me know that he's not coming in. I took up the phone & wanted to check with HR if he was on leave, but decided to put down after second thought. When I was about to throw the coffee away, he came in about 5 pm & I quickly stormed in his room telling him the coffee I got for him is wasted as it is already cold & I took up the cup. Then he immediately answered me that he will still drink it, so I said okay, put it back on his table & went back to my seat. When he came out from his room leaving to somewhere, he turned & told me again not to throw it away & he would come back to drink it. Though I don't know if he drank it afterwards, for me, that's enough. Nowadays I want to call him but I can no longer find anything to report to him. He no longer wants me to do anything for him. I am not used to it at all.

I keep his number on my phone's main page as direct dial. Now after 30th November 2014, I have to delete it, which I don't think I am prepared to do so. He has been so low energy & heartbroken lately & he has told me why. I just want him to know that I will always love him as my superior & respect him like a father. Whatever I said to him that I will not betray him or have second thought that he will ever harm us. If it's not for him, perhaps I would have left the company, but he doesn't believe it.

I have never taken a proper photo of him nor a photo with him as he doesn't like to take photos. I hope I can get some memorable photos with him before he leaves. It took me so long to persuade him to have farewell lunch with me. I just want to thank him for whatever he has done for us but he said he didn't do anything & doesn't owe me anything. My heart felt pain when he asked me jokingly if I am happy that he is leaving. I know he knows I am not happy & he wants to hear it from me.

The 1 ringgit that you gave me after losing in a bet, I think I have accidentally used it, but I will always remember it. I kept it in my diary for so long. I really want to always keep in touch with you if possible. But you are so secretive that you won't even tell me what your next plan is. & I know you can't save our numbers because of your wife, & you have to put so much effort to memorise all our numbers. I told you to tell your wife that you're old enough to be my father! But I don't know if that will help. How long will you remember my number after leaving? Will you come back to visit us? 

Things will not be the same without you being around, & I will have no idea who I can turn to whenever I need advice. Chatting with you always make me feel better & I know I will never find a boss like you anymore.

Anyway, Mr. Tan, all the best to you & you deserve this break. If you really plan to come back in March, please do! 

Thank you for these 2 years' experience. It has been hell of a ride & I will never forget you.

October Best!

It's been 10 months plus since I last logged in to my blog. Did some minor revamping to my blog, if you notice. Scrolled down to check if any of my blogger friends have recent updates, sadly almost everyone has not been writing anything. I guess all are busy or just lost it after sinking into this big society, including myself.

What I envy at certain degree is how my sis blogs. I don't think I can ever write like her again. So little worries, such purity, such simple life - which I miss.

Well, I think my life is not that bad too! Just that everyday is routine to me, & I anticipate it will get even more routine in about 3 to 4 months' time.

Yes, we have a baby coming our way! I am entering my 29th week in another 2 days. Things have been wonderful so far. I don't know what to expect as of course both of us are inexperienced.

Apologies for not announcing on social medias as this is just not our thing. EDD is early Jan 2015. There!

It's someone's birthday again this month. We have booked a flight to Krabi for celebration way before I got to know I had a bun in the oven, so now just a bit worried that I'll be not be able to fly. Anyway, if I'm not allowed on the plane, so be it; but guess what Mister R, you're staying too!

Christmas 2013

It's the time of my favourite holiday again! This year I have learned to let go of how people are abusing the meaning & spirit of Christmas, when you have non-Christians celebrating with gift-exchanging, Christmas dinner, Christmas matchmaking session or whatever they can think of.

Managed to drag him along to church this year. It's super crowded this year in church that it ran out of seats. We had to sit at the hallway staring at screen throughout the whole session. And if it's not because my MIL reminded me, I totally forgot to wish my family. Honestly, I felt bad. I completely forgot about them. I never failed to wish them every year. But come to think about it, in the meantime they didn't wish me as well. What happened to us?

Have we become hypocrites to each other? Has whatever happened created a gap or distance between us? Is he right? I feel like I don't know them anymore, or should I say, I feel like I have never known them before. Not the way he knows his parents.

The day before, he was complaining about me playing piano. I then commented that he's just like my mum who always complained that my practises are disturbing her peace. Then, he stopped & left me alone to continue. How long do I have to put up with this? That I am stuck in between. Can I no longer go home for Chinese New Year? Can I no longer call that my home? Will he alone be enough to sustain my psychological need for a family?

The open wound has been around for more than a year. This is just something I have to live with until God knows when.

I have been working extra for the company, but I realised recently this may be to no avail. Which I am currently contemplating whether I should give my all to it. As much as I enjoy what I'm doing, I start to feel that there's no point doing it when no one gives a shit or appreciates. I am not asking for anything more than a 'thank you' reply or a pat at the back. I am not the type of person who will like to take credit or shine intentionally to prove my existence or whatever shit. However, the company has been making me feel very insecure that I feel that everytime I go on leave, I will be replaced or made equal with someone who is hardly half my capability & passion towards this field. Of course, this is not based on no ground. I need to rethink my contribution wisely & make moves. Being a HOD is no easy task. A lot of readings to do to seek balance between respect, fear, hate & staff productivity.

And it's Christmas! I have been thinking if I should start letting go & forgiving someone. It is really hard. I am seriously thinking to just tell myself I am not ready & let the hatred burn inside of me for another year. I know I have been saying bad things and giving opportunity for him to piss me off, but I can't help it. I don't like to lie, I can follow all 10 commandments; but I am just not a forgiver. Of course I curse too.

Will knowing that someone is suffering make me forgive? Now where is my Christmas spirit?

Vacation, Work, Work, Work, Vacation

We spent a week in Bangkok in July. It was by far my favourite vacation. We literally just did whatever we felt like doing whenever we wished. I don't think I need to elaborate about the city about how inexpensive the food is and how dirt cheap the apparels & others are.

I am still happy with the company. Basically, I just do what I enjoy doing; at the same time, trying to care less about other crap.

Oh yea, I just got promoted! All this while, all my pay raise came from company hopping. So, this is the first time in my life that I have actually earned what I have worked so hard for.

Property management is no easy task. Especially with the current trend of developers building mixed commercial buildings - so you have office suites, retail units, shopping mall & residential suites altogether.

All the sleepless nights and unclaimed naps are paid for, at last. Self-motivation was very important during this period, just like the old days in university.

Someone fell from bike and ended up spending a couple of nights in the hospital end of September. Promised never to ride on bike again, the temptation is now back. Attempting to hypnotise (persuade) me to let him sit on a superbike, it is hard to resist as superbikes are cool. Anyway, it is still a NO.

Planning on more trips next year, Bali, Tokyo and Florida with pit stop at Taipei.

 It's November already and my hair is long again. Last I cut my hair was in a random saloon in Bangkok while he grabbed a pine of beer waiting for me.

Marriage life is getting better & better. He is currently in Siem Reap on his own vacation without me. Short separation does work better than newly wed in making hearts fonder! I thought I would enjoy being single for a few days. But the fact is I couldn't do it at all. Well, this is marriage - love hate relationship!

My mind is very scattered now. Can't compose full story. I shall be back when my eyes are able to open wider.

Lastly, I would like to pray that I will not lose my identity no matter how I age and how the society and company hierarchy will use their best way to distort my identity.

505 UBAH 五零五 改政府

5th May 2013 marks a remarkable day in our country's history. I see we are all united & passionate about making Malaysia a better place & getting rid of what we believe a corrupted ruling government.

Since the day the Parliament was announced to be dissolved, the nomination day, everyone has been talking about politics, parties. Everyone, as a citizen, is trying their best go raise awareness to fellow citizens that voting is our chance, our rights; that everything is related to politics and do not say you don't care. Because whatever happens will totally affect our daily lives, our future & our next generation's future, our economy, our health.

I, on the other hand, has deliberately let go of my chance, my rights. I should have gone back but I didn't. I thought that it wouldn't make any difference if I flew back because the racial ratio in my state determines we can never outrun the corrupted party. Because I thought there is no awareness in our fellow aborigines. Because I thought we couldn't make a difference. & I didn't want to waste money to buy flight ticket to go back. I then decided to vote by postal. In the end, my excuse is I was too busy till I forgot.

Well, instead of soaking myself in guilt, I am offering my prayers that in the hands of God, everything will be in place. That we must have hope that we can make a difference.

I don't know about politics. I just started to learn about all these because hubby is a journalist.

Of End, Wedding & Sight

It's April 2013. The world didn't end, so our reception could go on the very next day. I couldn't care much about losing weight or whatsoever. Because hey, it's my wedding. As long as I'm happy, I don't care what you say. It's this stupid Asian thinking that you have to look like thin tiny skeleton for you to look nice in your gown. Bah, bollocks!

3 days after reception, it was Christmas. He bought a Christmas tree because I couldn't stop asking for it. We had barbeque that night. It was fun.

Before my reception, I have changed job. Again. In a different industry, but same profession. With some add-on surprises which I only got to know after I've started working. I have just passed my probation. First time experiencing 6-months probation. Company policy. It felt forever. Hey it is half a year.

Then it was honeymoon. We went to China. Seriously no sense of belonging at all. He was the one who suggested China. & the Great Wall was really not that great. Well, I guess if you commercialise any historical place, you'll ruin it. We went to Beijing, Shanghai & Hangzhou. The food there was absolutely not anywhere near my range of acceptance. Though I have to admit, the country is really beautiful. But the people there......, I will elaborate next round. Should have just stick to Maldives. No worries, it's on our next destination list.

We bought a new house, sold the old one. Construction will complete in Jan 2015. Found a place nearby to rent until handover of new house. The developer of the renting house has done the job outrageously poor! All the problems we've had since the first day we moved in! Don't care to list out though.

It is a frustrating experience when you receive poor customer service which can't help to ease your process of shifting. My internet service provider is one, the one & only monopolising in the market. I have set my principles to never shout at them all for the sake of empathy & understanding as I am in the same field. But seriously a local similar industry has so much difference from an international one! What were they thinking when setting up the service centre? I have written to MCMC & FOMCA.

Period. Whether they decide to entertain me is another story.

Well, this is just a brief catch up. If you guys are expecting something more in-depth, sorry! I will do so in my next round. As you know, I have A LOT to say! *grin*

Till next time. Tata.

Upside Down

好久没写文了。很想写，但都没灵感。终于有点idea，可是又不知要打中文还是英文。想的东西很散。有些要写中文才有感觉，有些要英文。

现在正一边听歌，一边写。找回以前的感觉了，可是就是觉得少了什么。好像生活没有了乐趣。我也好像麻木了，很懒的去想。有时一直想，是不是找到一个听得懂中文的，他就肯定了解我多一点。可是，不会英文，我又觉得好像思想不同，沟通不来。

我还是老样子，超爱观察四周。不过有时真的想得很累，因为人真的很难了解的。尤其是在大城市，如果你总是要去猜测，推测每个人做的每件事背后的原因，你会想爆脑。正如我星期五早上去戏院看戏，结果戏院超过一半坐满了。

还有我还是百思不得其解，为什么每个星期四下班时间都很塞车，搞得我不喜欢星期四上班。

最近治安很差，到处都是抢劫案，搞得大家人心惶惶。现代的枪匪很没人性，连老人家都不放过。抢钱就抢嘛！为什么非要伤人？政府当然也不理人民死活。咳！是不是真的要认真考虑移民了？

近来的感慨就是人心越来越可怕。我永远无法理解为什么世上竟有这种人存在。我知道世上人口这么多，人人风格不同。但是文明难道真的这么沦陷吗？明明是条马路，就因为你不想多走几步路，竟然可以泊车在路上，把路封住。我真的惊叹，世上没教养的人，最近拼命在我生活出现。家附近开了个庙。那天，有个人星期六一大早去拜神，居然把车停在家门口，而且连字条也没留。结果，他要出门时，发现被困了，车主也久久没出现。后来被逼去搭公车，当然不忘留字条破骂那位先生。希望他看得懂英文和脏话。

我个人真的无法忍受这么没有公德心的人。还有，愚蠢的人。我这份工，我已经预料会见识到这些满脑长草的人，我也不想多说了。总之，结论是，如果你以为那些西方/欧美人都是说话有经大脑的，那你就大错特错了。不过最经典的当然还是我们亚洲人。在我们这区呢，你只能用另外一个观点去衡量了-就是家教和礼貌。因为就算如果你笨，可是你非常有礼貌，你还是会被原谅的。当然你还是最好一点就通啦。

我是不是变了？好像更不近人情了。我没别的意思，我还是那个让位给老人家，不乱丢垃圾的我。我还是那个爱环保的，友善的我。但是如果你了解我，一旦我讨厌一个人，那你几乎就没有挽转的余地。

世界颠倒了，歪理也变对了。男的不像男的；小孩不像小孩，竟开枪射父母；火车位给行李坐，人要站着，物主竟无动于衷。不过，世界越是混乱，当你看到还有有心人，越是欣慰。你会觉得世界还有希望，因为还有人和你一样，没那么被污染。

很想找回少年的感觉，很想像以前那么浩浩荡荡。很多人羡慕我无忧无虑，看似不羁的性格。现在我应该失去了那个感觉和性格。其实我不甘心，可是却很无奈地被逼接受我必须变成现在的我。他说他很羡慕我可以这么无拘无束，好像全世界都不关我的事。我感觉到我慢慢变成没灵魂了。我知道自己要追求什么，可是现实上却有心无力了。是不是我不满足？

刚刚下载完我和僵尸有个约会，全三季，超开心的。我很爱看吸血鬼的戏。我知道，这与我的个人宗教信仰有出入。可是，我很渴望可以在世上有永生。这样，我不用去顾虑我每件事所需要的时间，又或者总是因浪费了时间而感到心痛。我可以慢慢计划，不必被世俗的一切捆绑，做自己想做的事。

可是，那个世界好像复杂很多，就不是你死了就上天堂那么简单。那我是不是又在自找烦恼？但是，想深一层，现在的世界也好不了多少。如果我是僵尸，我还用怕那些没用的强匪？

Everything God does is Perfect

A page shared this on Facebook. The message is very simple, but not everyone can do it. I truly believe in this & I wish I can have the heart of the servant one day. We all need to learn. Christian or not.


A King had a male servant who, in all circumstances always said to him;
My king, do not be discouraged
because everything God does is perfect,
no mistakes.
One day, they went hunting and
a wild animal attacked the king,
the servant managed to
kill the animal but
couldn't prevent his majesty
from losing a finger.
Furious and without showing gratitude,
the King said;
if God was good,
I would not have been attacked
and lost one finger.
The servant replied;
Despite all these things,
I can only tell you that God is
good and everything He does is perfect,
He is never wrong.
Outraged by the response,
the king ordered the arrest of his
servant.
Later, he left for another hunt
and was captured by savages
who use human beings for
sacrifice.
In the altar, the savages found
out that the king didn't had 
one finger in place, he was
released because he was
considered not "complete" to be
offered to the gods.
On his return to the palace,
he authorized the
release of his servant and said;
My friend, God was
really good to me.
I was almost killed but for lack
of a single finger I was let go.
But I have a question;
If God is so good, why did He
allow me to put you in jail?.
He replied; My king, if I had gone
with you,
I would have been sacrificed 
because I have no missing finger.


Everything God does is perfect, He
is never wrong.
Often we complain about life,
and the negative things that
happen to us, forgetting
that nothing is random,
and that everything has
a purpose.
God knows why he chose you to
receive this message today, 
please bless someone with it by sharing it. 
Everything happens for a reason, 
things do happen for the best.

黑与白

这是发生在美国的真实故事。

白人妇女带着6岁大的儿子出远门，叫来了计程车，司机是位黑人。

这6岁的儿子从未见过黑人，心中非常的害怕，问妈妈：『这人是不是坏人，怎麽会长得黑噜噜？』 黑人司机听了很难过。 此时白人妇女告诉儿子：『这位司机叔叔，不是坏人，他是一个很好的人。』

儿子沉默半晌再问道：『既然他不是坏人，那他是不是做了什麽坏事，所以天父在惩罚他』黑人听了泪水在眼眶中打转，他很想知道这白人妇女怎样回答？ 妈妈说：『他是个很好的人, 也没有做坏事。 咱们家花园的花、有红、有白、有黄…是『是啊！是啊！』

『那花的种子是不是都黑色的？』孩子想了一下，『对啊！都是黑的。』『黑色的种子，开出色彩鲜美的花朵，让这世界多采多姿，是不是？』 『是啊！』孩子恍然大悟地说： 『那司机叔叔不是坏人喽！感谢司机叔叔，您让这世界多采多姿，我要为您祈祷。』

天真的孩子在一旁祷告着，黑人司机的泪水夺眶而下，心想：『为黑人被世人瞧不起身，今日，这位白人妇女如此温婉地教导孩子，解除孩子心中对我的恐惧，为我祈祷与祝福，真得好好的谢谢她。』

此时，目的地到了，黑人司机坚持不收钱，他说：“小时曾问过母亲同样的问题，母亲说我们是黑人，注定低人一等，如果她换成你的回答，今

这是第二次看到这篇文章。第一次收到这个电邮时，都没分享出来。

希望大家都可以有那位妈妈的见地；我也在努力着。