How Well Do I Know Myself?

I have been wanting to do this for the longest time. To be able to define everything about myself, at least I could try.

Name: As given

Nicks: I would rather not say. I still do not enjoy being teased.

Gender: Female

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual with Bi-Curious

bits of thoughts

I'm so tired.

I have not been able to sleep well for at least 8 months now.

I keep feeling the urge to avoid things or people who give me heartaches.

But I have to face them. It is so painful.

I ask myself everyday, what am I doing?

What makes me tick? Why am I still fighting? What are I fighting for?

I have lost everything in life.

Lost the purpose.

Lost the motivation.

I feel I'm going mad.

Lots of shouting inside but unable to release.

I realised

I'm nothing after I leave that life.

Bits of Thoughts

How do you forget & let go?

A person who once professed love, called you wife, called you family. Then, took away your youth, ruined your life, your family, said the most hurting things to you and your daughter. Daughter was too young to remember anything but I remember every single word uttered from his mouth.

You just can't brain this. Can't understand why he would say such things. And now he conveniently forgot everything he did, carrying on with his life, like nothing happened. Still calls you family but shows nothing of such. All bull.

They say karma will do the job. Can it come sooner?

Disclaimer

Just in case.

I would like to clarify that whatever I write here in my blog is my own feelings & thoughts. You may not agree with them, but they are valid and true to me.

It is not my intention to harm or hurt anyone along my journaling journey of self healing. It is my freedom, my choice to write here.

I do not hope that you can accept, but I hope that you can understand. Be a human. Be a human with heart.

Thank you.

Embracing Courage

I often ask myself, why do I have to blog, publish online, for no one to see? Because I don't share this blog link with anyone.

Then, why don't I just do it the conventional way - writing it down in a lovely book?

Then, I ask myself, why do I need to have answers to everything? Why can't I just feel like doing it?

This month marks the third year since the incident. My feelings have been a roller-coaster, a chaotic cycle. Memories and scenes replay over & over again during innumerable breakdown episodes. Sometimes, full with tears; sometimes, full with angst. Most of the time, just quiet inside thoughts. All of the time, sleepless nights.

I ought to celebrate I have come so far? A world-crumbling earthquake I thought I wouldn't survive three years ago yet here I am. Not in the best form, but then I believe the best is yet to come.

Today, I have finally submitted the divorce documents. In the lawfirm website, it says "Goodbye Old Life. Hello New Life." I suppose it's meant to bring positivity, but somehow I felt cynical. 

The past few days, I have been struggling emotionally, asking myself why I'm still hanging on to a person whose heart clearly does not belong to me anymore, or most likely, never did. Being delusional and going all out analysing every reaction, behaviour and lines. Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of all these unending deduction. Bottom line, I still find myself angry, plus all the ill thoughts of all the possible mishaps which I wish will befall onto those who wrong me. 

I had to break myself out of that thought cycle, and hence, today's actions. It was painful still but necessary. It felt right to do. I kept telling myself, it's a very simple procedure. Just few documents, some information fill-ins, and we are set to go. After the submission was done, I informed him, with tears rolling down.

These 3 years, every choice & action signifies courage for me. Every decision I made & make is painful yet necessary. I often question if I made the right choice, the only worry is if I have made the best choice for Esha's sake, for her wellbeing. I was convinced that I did. And the cause & consequence were out of my hands. I was merely making the best out of what I could at that moment.

Moving forward, I just have to focus on myself & Esha. And that's all that matters. I might not be perfect, but I will do my best.

Realisation & Reborn

We started dating since I was 19, I spent 14 years with a man, with the last year full of misery & will to end my life, who chose someone over me when there was temptations, doubts and unhappiness. Twice. A pattern that I should have recognised sooner. Yet I went ahead to marry him.

And I thought, there was still love. Looking back, after the whole event, I realised it was not love at all.

Signs that I failed to see, patterns that I was too blind to notice. Missing earrings and sweater that he hated, my library of books which were thrown away when I was heavily pregnant. I can still remember all these incidents so lucidly. Words that he said, time of the day, venue. 

And suddenly, after all that has happened, I come to realisation, connecting every single dots to way back when I was 19, to what has become of today; binding every detail to as far as I can remember as a child, to what has become of me today; and it all makes sense instantly. All of these have forced me to rethink everything through, recall every incident, question everything.

It felt like opening a Pandora's box, and all the emotions & realisation wouldn't stop. It was too much to bear, so I closed the box. Force close.

Then, my body started to get ill. I realised that I have the greatest willpower of self-hypnotise. I was programmed to believe and persuade myself that everything was alright. I am still trying to trace back when it started but the memory is clouded. I got ill when the hypnotising didn't work anymore and my mind got overloaded.

19 is a very young age. To be honest, I feel fucking stupid. While everyone was out there clearly knew what they wanted or at least I think they did, I was blinded by love. Or even if they didn't, at least they waited. Waited to be sure. Waited to figure things out. And I was so simple minded. Thought that was it I could ask for in life. That I would be contented.

And now, I am at my mid thirties, feeling that I didn't live my life all these years, I could feel I'm 19 again. My freedom taken away from me all these years, a prisoner. Not knowing what I want, what I could want, what I could achieve. It is scary. These 3 years, I have met many many people, of different stories and backgrounds. I realised the possibilities are unbelievably limitless and unimaginable. 

I realised the world is so big and what happened to me, yes it is heartbreaking as what I feel is valid to myself. But I am grateful it happened at this point of life, so I am given a chance to live again. With my own freewill. It is scary because I have not tasted freedom, I do not know and dare to step out. Still refrained but I have also achieved milestones. Baby steps.

I often wonder, how some people figure out what they want in life, how they set boundaries, how they know to maintain a healthy relationship, to find the right one, to know when it's not.

And now, what can I do to ensure the same for my girl.

What is Love?

The ultimate question, the lamest question.

The most important thing in life is Love - from the day you are born, everything starts with Love. From the first time your parents lay eyes on you, to the deep glance your partner gives you during your last breathe. It's all Love.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 4:8

Let all that you do be done with love. - 1 Corinthians 16:14

He asked me years back, if I would still love him if he was crippled, his face distorted.

For centuries, countless rules have been applied to Love - how you should love, how you should not love. 

People apply social norms & unspoken general rules for the definition & act of Love.

Then everyone sets own conditions for their version of Love.

It requires right timing, right person, right place. Man should love woman more than woman loves man. Love can turn to hate & vengeance; love can be deteriorating. Love knows no boundaries & some can commit crime for their loved ones. Some found themselves in love, some lost themselves in love.

Some can tolerate their husband to have few wives, but never the way around.

Love is never unconditional except the love for your kids. You will do anything for your kids but not expecting anything in return. 

Sometimes, things need to happen for you to realise your true feelings. Sometimes, it takes time. Sometimes, it's too late.

I didn't know how to love before, I know it means I didn't love the person enough.

I realised my version of love is patient, tolerating & forgiving. I thought if I love the person enough, he will know through all my big & small acts. Unfortunately that's not the case. 

I thought, though I am not happy with him, as long as I love him, I will tolerate his flaws too, so it's okay. I will accept him for who he is, I will not complain. As long as he stays loyal to me, as long as his heart is still with me, that's enough. But that's not the case.

So, we love the wrong way. We love in different ways. Then you realise, Love actually can die.

Love these days won't last, it's not like during our parents' generation. So, the definition of love changes through generation. It's just ridiculous. What are wedding vows for? What are marriage promises for?

No more such thing as growing old together. So, am I the naïve one for still believing in this?

People our generation don't fix things, we just throw things away.

Then, the person being left behind will stop believing in Love. So, we start to go against nature, that we humans don't need companion. We will change our definition of Love again, that we will just love our own selves. That will do.

So, what should I believe now? What kind of Love should I hold on to now? So I won't get hurt anymore.

Lastly, would like to share one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors - 

Dance like nobody's watching; Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth. - Mark Twain

So, what do you want from Love?

When You Have Too Much to Lose

年过三十，我还是那个长不大的女孩。就是任性地想做，也只做自己喜欢做的事。

如果我无家室甚至单身，那我就可以事无忌惮。
我还是喜欢活在当下，想刺激开心就够。不用想我老了会怎样，觉得自己会活到90岁而做出退休安排。
我真的这么不负责任吗? 最近透不过气，什么都不想理。想逃脱，想休息。不甘于现况，但我又能怎样?
感觉自己很自私，自我中心，但我真的不想就这样一辈子。
我真的没有爱了吗? 只爱自己，谁都不爱。

像我这样的人，真的不应该结婚生子。我承认我根本不喜欢受束缚，爱不羁，为所欲为。

我最想活在维多利亚时代，做个放荡泛滥的诗人，喝酒写名作。或有个爱刺激的爱人，陪他闯荡看世界，轰轰烈烈地活一场。这辈子也够了。

但我有负担了，不能任性，太多东西无法失去。要时间想通。

Of Property, Defects & Work

I have left another property related job from a local PLC. And I tell myself, no more property. Stressful job, not being appreciated. Just think about mall management & you will know. The areas of coverage are so wide yet detailed. It's always fun to learn about buildings, you just have to see everything in a logical way. But because people's brains these days are so defective, they turn out to be the hardest to deal with.

I am always grateful of the people I meet, good or bad. & culture is a scary thing, it can just eat you up & make you think that whatever you do is right.

So if your company breeds a bad work culture, you will have no choice but to adapt. These are the times you have to bow to reality & know that you can't make a difference. It took me some time to get used to it as in my previous job, I was entitled to so many privileges I felt I was powerful. & I knew I could make things better or at least have the chance to try. It's amazing how life changing events change who you are that what you have been pursuing is no longer your priority, such as having a baby. That all of a sudden, I didn't want to be iron lady anymore. I just want to be a mother.

That is not a defect. Just my chip has been changed. Upgraded.

Things That Make You Doubt What You Have Been Taught Your Whole Life

Saw this on Facebook the other day & as being sentimental as I can be, I cried.

Growing up as a Christian, you were being taught that being homosexual & enslaved to sexual activities are morally & religiously wrong. This goes back to the infamous bible story of The Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah which you will know if you were a Christian baby.

The world has not changed after the event. The history will repeat itself & the world will not stop evolving. Now some cities are trying to legalise these acts and many are beginning to accept this new type of relationship. Going against my religion, I have attempted to understand, rationalise & empathise this practice. Some say they are born this way by nature, some say they just can't help it, some say they're trapped in a wrong body, & some choose to transform to a body they feel right & comfortable living in.

As homophobic as some people around me are, I am not. Though I have Christian gay friends, I still choose to respect their freewill & decisions. Maybe I am not strong enough of my religion or do not have enough religious knowledge to believe this is wrong.

But I really wonder. What makes them any different? Because it's against nature that their coitus do not include producing babies. But they love, get hurt & make earnings, just like the rest of us.

If you have been doubting like me, watch this video & see if it changes your mind. I have yet to watch the whole movie. But this clip has made an impact on me deeply.

If they live their lives normally, just like the rest of us, they should be getting the same equal respect from everyone too. They want kids, they adopt orphans, then aren't they doing good deeds too?

Can I tell God things have changed & even if they are gay, they can still love God the same?

A New Life

It was Boxing Day that I got admitted for the first time in my life due to some unexplained rashes on my limps that cause infinite feeling of itching. The only most logic reason was different blood type of mine & him due to my pregnancy.

After couple days of boredom & torture, my scheduled c-sec has come & on 30th Dec 2014 at 3:09 pm, our precious little girl was born at 3.74 kg & 54 cm. It was a quick surgery, kind of scary during the beginning but I prayed as hard as I could & managed to pull it through.

I almost cried when I saw her for the first time but was holding back. It's really overwhelming as she's so beautiful I couldn't believe it happened.

It's our anniversary today and she's 1 day shy to 2-week old. 8 years of sailing & now with our new family member, we cherish each other more.

He's been wonderful & perfect that I won't trade anything or anyone in this world for him. He's been supportive, straining himself to settle & buy stuffs during the first week of my confinement. I have never seen him like this & would never believe he could put up with all these things if I didn't see with my own eyes.

I have been having emotional breakdowns due to absence of parents as I delivered earlier than my due date & they've already got their tickets booked for a later date. He has always been there to comfort me, try his best to make me feel better. He was so worried that I would go under depression, plus our confinement lady has been such a pain in the ass.

It's at this time that I'm most sure than ever that I am nobody without him.

Happy anniversary, Honey. Love you always.

My Boss

I don't really remember when I went for interview for my current job. I only remember the first time I met him. His reactions & expressions told me that he was not convinced I could do the job. Well, in the end, it really took them a while to contact me to say that I got the job, hence I even forgot that I went for this interview.

Before this job, I have never really have an actual superior that I need to report to. As being so inexperienced, I know he was very skeptical to trust me to do anything. But he trained me well by giving bit by bit of tasks. I still remember after around half a year, he told me that he actually didn't want to take me in the first place. Then, I asked him if he would regret by doing so. He answered, "yea, a bit lo."

He was so cool & I didn't dare to speak to him much, but I had no choice because I report to him, the then Director of Operations. I asked my colleague & slowly got to know him & his working style. My colleague told me that he's actually not hard to please as long as I do my job. Well, that's actually the matter of fact.

Gradually, I began to gain his trust & he started to give me more responsibilities. Projects to handle, difficult tasks to complete. He is a perfectionist & workaholic. The amount of pressure he gave is not something everyone can take. Receiving midnight essay-like texts & weekend calls from him were routine; so are scolding from him.

But for me, I always see these as motivation for me to perform better. Somehow, I enjoy being scolded & lectured by him. I always felt bad when he shouted at me, because I knew he believed that I could do more & much better than I have. He gave me the momentum to push myself to higher limits & made me confident that I could actually do much better.

No matter how busy he is, he never failed to guide me whenever I needed his help, even though it could be the most petite things I asked. He would give me life advice, he never stinge on knowledge. Even when it's not my field of expertise, if I ask & am willing to learn, he would teach & explain to me from head to toe until I understand the whole thing.

The way he jokes in the most subtle yet hilarious way always make my day. Unexpected actions & lines that come out from him always surprise me & make me burst into laughter. Throughout these 2 years working for him, our relationship I believe has gone beyond just boss & employee. I see him as my mentor & father. The way he always protects & cares for us is indirect yet obvious. I really don't understand who will ever want to harm him & bring him down. I would anytime let him take credit for my works because I would not know how to do them without him teaching me. He could always come up with the most creative & amazing methods to teach us & make us remember what he has taught us.

I appreciate all the things he has done for us, all the efforts he has put for the company. Now he has decided to take a break. Though utmost sad, I have to start accepting the fact.

Come to think about it, he has started preparing us to be independent & get used to him not being around for the past couple of months. Without knowing what was happening, I just thought that he got tired of his job & wished to call in an early retirement. Of course, at his age, he knows that nothing can't be beaten by Time & we will definitely & eventually get used to him not being around anymore.

Now that it's official, I don't know how I can adjust to him not being there for me anymore. Covering my ass all the time, protecting me like a father. For a busy man like him, I never expected that he actually remembered & took the effort to buy thumb drives for us because Emily & I kept telling him that our thumb drives have gone missing. Though he got us all same colour, I will not borrow it to anyone because this is how much I cherish & appreciate the effort he took to get it for me. I felt so sweet when he came to give me the thumb drive & told me not to lose it. I want others to be jealous of me because I had the chance to be taught & guided by the greatest boss I have ever known. I tell all my staffs that you are the best boss ever. When I got to know your birthday this year, I was really excited & told myself we must plan a surprise for you even though I know you don't like it. I have marked your birthday in my calendar with no end date, but looks like we will not be able to celebrate your birthday next year.

I don't know who I can go bug later on whenever I feel bored. His room will be empty starting next month. I can no longer tell him to stop eating so much sweet stuffs. I can no longer receive intercom calls from him anymore. I can no longer look forward to seeing him every morning & greet him morning. I can no longer ask him if he misses me after I have gone for vacation. I can no longer hear him making fun & mocking me about how messy my table is & how annoying & noisy I am. 

I really miss those times that you would bring me anywhere you go for inspection in units, go see owners, site visits, inspection during constructions, walkabouts & experiments we do for preventive causes. Also, all those times that we argue due to different opinions & you will always let me go for trial & error & learn things the hard way. You were never afraid to admit you're wrong if I manage to prove it. From here, you have taught me humility that I will admit my mistakes wholeheartedly as well. He is so humble & listening all the time. He always gives me opportunity to give suggestions & if it's feasible, I can actually do it. He will only stop me when he is confident his way is the only & best solution. & I can tell you, he has never been wrong! & I know & trust him 200%, whatever he decides, there must be a solid good reason behind it & I will have absolutely no doubt about it.

He has never made it easy for us to take leave. It's never successful with first attempt. I know he will approve it eventually but from here, I learned that with the power he has given me, I have bigger responsibilities that taking leave just like that will affect many things. So when 2 days ago, he just signed my leave application without seeing when I am actually going on leave, it made me feel really sad. He used to mark his calendar whenever I was going on leave & everytime when I went on vacation, I would still receive texts or calls from him. But not this time, not my most recent Krabi trip.

Just this week Monday, I bought McD breakfast & the set came with coffee. Knowing that he likes to drink coffee all the time, I purposely kept it on his table with packets of cream & sugar just the way he likes it. I waited for him to come in, but he didn't turn up for the whole day. I started to wonder if he was on leave & feel sad that he no longer let me know that he's not coming in. I took up the phone & wanted to check with HR if he was on leave, but decided to put down after second thought. When I was about to throw the coffee away, he came in about 5 pm & I quickly stormed in his room telling him the coffee I got for him is wasted as it is already cold & I took up the cup. Then he immediately answered me that he will still drink it, so I said okay, put it back on his table & went back to my seat. When he came out from his room leaving to somewhere, he turned & told me again not to throw it away & he would come back to drink it. Though I don't know if he drank it afterwards, for me, that's enough. Nowadays I want to call him but I can no longer find anything to report to him. He no longer wants me to do anything for him. I am not used to it at all.

I keep his number on my phone's main page as direct dial. Now after 30th November 2014, I have to delete it, which I don't think I am prepared to do so. He has been so low energy & heartbroken lately & he has told me why. I just want him to know that I will always love him as my superior & respect him like a father. Whatever I said to him that I will not betray him or have second thought that he will ever harm us. If it's not for him, perhaps I would have left the company, but he doesn't believe it.

I have never taken a proper photo of him nor a photo with him as he doesn't like to take photos. I hope I can get some memorable photos with him before he leaves. It took me so long to persuade him to have farewell lunch with me. I just want to thank him for whatever he has done for us but he said he didn't do anything & doesn't owe me anything. My heart felt pain when he asked me jokingly if I am happy that he is leaving. I know he knows I am not happy & he wants to hear it from me.

The 1 ringgit that you gave me after losing in a bet, I think I have accidentally used it, but I will always remember it. I kept it in my diary for so long. I really want to always keep in touch with you if possible. But you are so secretive that you won't even tell me what your next plan is. & I know you can't save our numbers because of your wife, & you have to put so much effort to memorise all our numbers. I told you to tell your wife that you're old enough to be my father! But I don't know if that will help. How long will you remember my number after leaving? Will you come back to visit us? 

Things will not be the same without you being around, & I will have no idea who I can turn to whenever I need advice. Chatting with you always make me feel better & I know I will never find a boss like you anymore.

Anyway, Mr. Tan, all the best to you & you deserve this break. If you really plan to come back in March, please do! 

Thank you for these 2 years' experience. It has been hell of a ride & I will never forget you.

October Best!

It's been 10 months plus since I last logged in to my blog. Did some minor revamping to my blog, if you notice. Scrolled down to check if any of my blogger friends have recent updates, sadly almost everyone has not been writing anything. I guess all are busy or just lost it after sinking into this big society, including myself.

What I envy at certain degree is how my sis blogs. I don't think I can ever write like her again. So little worries, such purity, such simple life - which I miss.

Well, I think my life is not that bad too! Just that everyday is routine to me, & I anticipate it will get even more routine in about 3 to 4 months' time.

Yes, we have a baby coming our way! I am entering my 29th week in another 2 days. Things have been wonderful so far. I don't know what to expect as of course both of us are inexperienced.

Apologies for not announcing on social medias as this is just not our thing. EDD is early Jan 2015. There!

It's someone's birthday again this month. We have booked a flight to Krabi for celebration way before I got to know I had a bun in the oven, so now just a bit worried that I'll be not be able to fly. Anyway, if I'm not allowed on the plane, so be it; but guess what Mister R, you're staying too!